Change

One thing I have to consider is how my deafness affects other people. My friends and family. Whether or not I see it as a disability, other people I do. I remember when I first started having hearing difficulties, one of my friends said 'I don't want to be friends with someone that's deaf'. At the time I was furious and hurt. But I've come to realise something - change is scary. And it isn't just me that has to live and deal with this change.

Everyone around me has to adapt in some way or another. Some people are fine with that - one of my friends said she might start to learn sign language. That meant an awful lot to me. But other people aren't so comfortable about it. Some people are afraid to talk about my lack of hearing, they're afraid to upset me. It makes them feel awkward. Many people have never met anyone with a disability and don't know how to act around me. Most people just want to forget and pretend I'm 'normal'.

It's a big thing to deal with change. Especially for my parents. One of my parents refuses to accept it and says there is surgery and we'll try that. Doesn't want to learn sign language until we've exhausted all possible options. Perhaps it is thought that my accepting and embracing this change in my life is a sign of defeat. Perhaps there's a belief I am giving up.

My parents don't understand why I refuse to have surgery that could possibly make me hearing again. Why would I live with a disability if there's a chance I could be 'normal'? But there is also a chance, with this surgery, that it could make me completely deaf. Yes, in 5-10 years time I could be completely deaf, in which case I would try the surgery then. But I want to hang on to what little hearing I have left and treasure it.

Yes, it is possible that this surgery could restore my hearing. But it's also possible it could do the complete opposite. And I am happy with how things are now. I don't see myself as being defeated or merely accepting this change to my life. I see myself as embracing it.

I am learning a new language. I am joining a new culture. I am seeing the world in a way I've never seen it before.

I have accepted the fact that I am going deaf. That doesn't mean I want to speed it up. I won't consider the surgery for another good few years. If there's a chance, even a small one, that I could lose my hearing completely, I want to be fluent in sign language and lip-reading first. I want my parents and those close to me to be able to sign. I don't want to wake up from the surgery, completely deaf and unable to communicate with anyone.

It is hard to accept change. Change is always scary. But it doesn't have to be. Change doesn't have to be a bad thing.

It is hard for me to remember that my deafness doesn't just affect me, but everyone around me. Some people can handle it, and some people can't. I need to remember, when I feel hurt and angry at losing friends or being criticised for not doing anything about my 'disability', that change is a scary thing, especially when you don't know anything about it.

We all want to live in a perfect world where everyone is healthy and has no problems - physically or emotionally. But we don't live in a world like that. And we all need to do our best to accept and embrace the differences in ourselves, and in others.

Deaf Girl