Birthday party

It was the birthday celebration of the girlfriend of one of my friends, K, last night. It was a great night, had a really nice time. I do have to say though, I was really nervous about going. For two reasons - the first being that the only person I knew that would be there was K, and the second reason was that I was terrified of making a bad impression. Was quite nervous and imagining all the things that could go wrong - mishearing a conversation and making a statement that would make me look like an idiot.

I was considering getting in touch with K and not going. But then I thought, 'well, that's stupid, if I do that, I'm letting my 'disability' rule my life. I have nothing to be ashamed of'.

And as it turned out, I had absolutely no reason to be nervous. Everyone there was lovely.

We went to a restaurant followed by a few bars. As you all know, in places where there's a lot of background noise I don't hear all that well. But K was great - she made sure that I was included, and when people burst out laughing at something or other, she would ask me if I'd heard and explain what happened if I hadn't heard.

I'm always wary in some situations - I don't want to be the party-pooper and keep asking 'what's going?' 'what did s/he say?' 'what was the joke?' 'can you repeat that?'. It annoys some people. But K made sure that I was included in everything and would repeat things without me having to ask her to.

And all her friends were lovely as well - none of them covered their mouths when speaking to me and they all seemed to take my deafness in their stride. There was none of that 'oh you're deaf, poor you!' bullshit that I seem to get a lot.

There were a few questions - how long have you been deaf, how deaf are you etc. I much prefer being asked questions rather than people assuming things. I would rather people ask me questions rather than sit there uncomfortably not knowing how to act.

Later on in the evening I was also teaching a few of them some signs - the kind of things everyone wants to learn when they meet someone that knows a language that they don't. I am of course, talking about swear words. It's quite fun.

So, it was a great night, met a lot of great people and I have absolutely no idea why I was worried in the first place. Am very glad that I didn't let my insecurities rule my life and decided to just have fun.

Deaf Girl

Those intimate moments

I've been debating about writing this entry for a while. Finally, I decided to take the plunge and write it. After all, this blog is to inform hearing people of all the aspects of my life as a deaf person. This would also include my life in the bedroom. So be warned - if you don't want to know, don't read on! (I really hope my family take the hint and don't read on - there are certain things relatives just don't need to know!)

One of the problems I've noticed with my hearing aids is that if my head is in a certain position (ie, if I'm cuddling someone and have my head rested against their chest etc.) then I get feedback from them. The same goes for if my head is in several other... positions. I find it easier to just take out my hearing aids when I'm getting intimate with someone.

This of course means that I am deaf in the bedroom, which can have its drawbacks! When it is someone's first time sleeping with a deaf person, the fact that I am deaf can slip one's mind in the heat of the moment. I'm assuming it has something to do with the fact that during the heat of the moment, most of their blood flow isn't reaching their brain!

Or they remember that I'm deaf, but don't think it applies to this situation. It's happened once or twice that I've been asked 'why didn't you answer me when I talked to you?'. There is no point in whispering sweet nothings to me as I won't hear them to respond to.

Sometimes they think that I'm being a bitch, because I don't talk during those intimate moments. It's not such a big deal if it's a regular partner - my ex was used to silence in the bedroom. But if it's a first time for someone being with a deaf person, it can make them nervous. Let me assure you though - everything else is working properly, it's just my ears that don't work!

I've also had one or two surprises suddenly happening. I won't go into detail, which I'm sure you're relieved to hear, but I have had to ask one or two people what on earth they thought they were doing.

'I took your silence as a yes.'

'I'm deaf.'

'Oh yeh... oops!'

Like I said, it can lead to some very ...interesting... situations.

But what is life if it's not about making discoveries and being able to have a laugh at those kinds of situations, and of course, experiencing new things!

Deaf Girl

First class

This morning, for the first time in 3 years, I found myself vehemently wishing I wasn't deaf. Not because I couldn't hear something or felt like I was at a disadvantage, but because it was early and I wanted to sleep in!

I had my first lip-reading class today. It's absolutely fantastic. Am very pleased I decided to pull myself out of bed at the crack of dawn (well, 8am) and brave the freezing cold weather to make it to the 10am class.

I was quite nervous when I arrived. Didn't help that I was the first one there. I was also a bit daunted at first by the age gap between myself and the rest of the class - I'm the youngest by about 20-30 years. But all my worries soon faded away once I started talking to a few people. There's about 10 of us in the class and everyone is extremely friendly with a great sense of humour.

The thought did briefly cross my mind during the first half an hour if I was in the right class or not, as the first thing we did was learn how to fingerspell. I sat there thinking, 'oh crap, I'm not in a beginners BSL class am I? Oh no, how do I leave without feeling like an utter fool for entering the wrong classroom...' Luckily, I was in the right place.

A lot of HoH or deaf people that lip-read tend to use fingerspelling to show what the first letter of the word is that they are saying. A lot of letters are difficult to make out when you're reading lips (for example, words beginning with 'h') so they fingerspell 'h'. Very handy.

The lesson was 2 hours long. I was pleasently surprised by how much I could make out on my own without being taught first of all - seems like I've been picking up quite a lot already. But I have learned quite a bit as well in just this one lesson. Can't wait for next week for the next lesson. Lip-reading is going to be fantastic, and I can't wait until I can do it fluently. Though that will take time and a lot of practice.

In the meantime, I believe I'm thoroughly going to enjoy the class. Not only will lip-reading be a great skill to have, but it's also fantastic to spend time with other HoH/deaf people. I found that I relax a bit. Because we're all in the same - or similar - boat, there's no judging. No one feels sorry for each other. Everyone speaks clearly. No one minds if you're asked to repeat something. No one hides their mouths when talking. When someone is talking to you they look at you and don't turn their head when they're speaking.

Don't get me wrong - I love my hearing friends and family to bits. Wouldn't trade any of them for the world. But going to this class has shown me that it is nice to mix with fellow HoH/deaf people as well. Once my BSL is up to a good level, I will definitely join a deaf club.

Until then, I'm still on the edge of these two worlds, but I'm finding ways to allow me to function well in them both. Life is, after all, all about learning. And if possible, having fun and making some great friends and memories whilst learning!

Deaf Girl

Communication

I was quite nervous today. I had a woman come round to assess me to see whether I could sign up and start lip-reading classes. Because there aren't that many teachers, classes get full quite quickly. Not just anyone can join either - you have to be assessed to see if it's something you genuinly need and would benefit from.

So the woman came round and we chatted for a bit. She asked me questions about my hearing loss, whether anyone else in my family has it etc. Knowing that no one in my family can sign and that my hearing is gradually getting worse, she has approved me!

Wahey! Classes start next Wednesday.

Can't tell you how thrilled I am. Being able to lip-read will help me immensly. It means that I will be able to communicate with my hearing friends and family. I'm just thinking about all those situations where my hearing aids can't be used - swimming, night clubs etc. Once I can lip-read, things will be a lot better and I won't just have to stand there smiling and nodding like an imbecile because I can't hear what people are saying.

And of course, I'm learning BSL as well. I want to be able to communicate in the deaf world as well as the hearing world. To be able to communicate with other deaf people will be fantastic.

It will be nice to be able to function in both the hearing and the deaf world, as opposed to living on the edge of both.

Am thrilled.

Deaf Girl

Who & when

One of the difficulties - besides the obvious ones - about being deaf is when to tell people. Anyone with a disability that isn't obvious will know what I'm talking about. When meeting new people, when exactly do you bring up the subject?

If you're just meeting someone for the first time - say at a party or whatever - you don't introduce yourself by saying 'hi, I'm ... and I'm disabled.' But if you leave it too late it feels as if you're hiding your disability on purpose.

The subject of disability rarely comes up in conversation. On the odd occasions it does, and then it's easy to mention my deafness as it is just part of the current conversation. But to bring it up myself always feels odd. I don't want to hide it, but I don't particularly want to draw attention to it either.

But then, by not saying anything about my deafness to people that don't know I'm deaf, is that a lie of omission? It's not like you tell someone everything about you, unless it just happens to come up in conversation. For example; religious beliefs, political beliefs, dietary needs, sexuality, medical conditions etc etc.

So when is the best time for telling someone? Leave it too late and the person in question feels angry as they believe you hid it on purpose and they always ask 'why didn't you tell me sooner?', and tell people too early and they think you're either wanting attention, sympathy, making an issue out of it or are daring them to make a comment.

And who do you tell? Do you tell that cute guy/girl you've just met out clubbing, the one you're very sure things won't go any further than whatever happens that night, do you tell the woman at the shops that isn't speaking clearly, do you tell the woman you've met on holiday and will never see again?

And of course, if you tell people too soon - for instance that cute guy/girl that you've just met - you run the risk of them running scared. Some people do not want to be friends/lovers/whatever with someone that is different. It's too much effort. But if you're already friends/lovers/whatever with someone, then that someone might feel hurt or angry you didn't bring it up before, but are more willing to accept it because of all the time and effort that has been put into that relationship.

It has happened plenty of times that I'm talking to someone I've just met at a club, flirting and getting on great, when I've had to say 'do you want to go outside, I can't quite hear you in here'. Then once outside and the person finds out the reason why I can't hear them, they lose interest.

I won't lie to you, that hurts.

People say it is their loss, not mine. If you loss a friend/potential friend/lover/potential lover/whatever because they can't accept that you have a disability, then it is their problem, not yours. But it still hurts. Knowing that there is something about you that makes you different and strange, something that people can't always see past, something that stops you from becoming friends/lovers/whatever with an otherwise nice person... It will always hurt. Sometimes you may feel anger as well, but there will always be hurt.

It hurts knowing that you are cast aside because people can't accept you for who you are. It hurts knowing people lose interest in you because of something about you that you have no control over.

So, who do you tell and when? There is no right or wrong answer. I am just learning this. I make mistakes - I tell people too soon or too late. But despite this, I have somehow managed to find myself in the company of some pretty amazing friends. I am very lucky in that I have a great group of friends that aren't bothered by my deafness in the slightest.

But... I can't help but think though of the friends that could have been, had I not been deaf. Of the relationships that could have been, had I not been deaf.

Because of all of this, I find I am building defenses around myself. I am always wary when meeting new people or when the possibility of a relationship is on the horizon, as it has happened so many times that once they find out about my disability, I am cast aside.

It will always be painful. But you learn to live with it and move on. But you do become wary, it's hard not to.

As for the 'who do you tell and when', I have absolutely no idea. Wish I did, it would make life so much easier. Then again, no one ever said life was easy. You've just gotta roll with it and accept the things you can't change.

Deaf Girl

Q&A

Whilst on holiday, I met a woman who has a deaf son. We were talking and comparing ASL (American Sign Language) and BSL. There are quite a few differences - for example, in BSL you use both hands for the alphabet, in ASL you use one hand, the signs for most words are different etc. Although there were some similarities - for example, the signs for 'I need help' and 'do you want help?' were the same. I'm sure there are other similarities as well.

That brings me to questions I'm frequently asked about sign language and myself.

Q: Why is sign language different in each country?
A: Most countries have their own spoken language, it's the same for signed language. There isn't one universal spoken language that everyone speaks, it's the same for sign language. Having said that - it's a lot easier for people that sign to understand each other when signing in a different language, than it is for people that are speaking different languages to understand each other.

Q: Why is the sign language for American English, English and Australian english different?
A: AUSlan (Australian Sign Language) and NZSL (New Zealand Sign Language) are similar to BSL, as they evolved from 19th century BSL - the deaf schools set up in Australia were run by deaf people from London, Dublin and Edinburgh. So AUSlan developed from those three sign languages but is most similar to BSL. Auslan, BSL & NZSL have the same grammar.
ASL on the other hand is quite different and very similar to the sign language used in Zimbabwe, Haiti, Singapore, Kenya and many other countries. It is also similar to SLF (French Sign Language). In 1817 a man named Thomas Gallaudet and Laurent Clarc opened a deaf school in Connectict. At this school SLF was taught and most students brought in their own sign language that they had used at home. These all combined and eventually formed ASL.

Q: Is BSL the same all over the country?
A: There are slight differences in the South and North and other parts. Just as people speak in different accents in England, BSL also has different accents.

Q: Why do deaf people feel so passionately about sign language?
A: For a long time, it was illegal to teach BSL in schools and parents were told to stop their children from using signs or gestures as it would interfere with their deaf children to learn lip-reading and speech skills. It was only about 30 years or so ago that it finally became legal to teach BSL. Until then, the language was kept alive by deaf children of deaf parents teaching other deaf children the language. For a long, long time deaf people have been surpressed and discriminated against. Very few people realise that during World Wat 2, deaf people, alongisde Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals, were put in to concentration camps and killed. After facing so much persecution, it is only natural to feel strongly about fighting for our rights and the right to have our language accepted.

Q: Why do you overemphasize your facial expressions when you sign?
A: Hearing people use vocal emphasis, pitch and volume to speak. You can't do that in sign language - instead you use facial expressions and the speed of your signs etc to bring points across. You don't talk in a monotone voice, it's a similar thing in sign language.

Q: Why doesn't every deaf person learn how to lip-read and speak?
A: Why doesn't every hearing person learn how to sign? Some deaf people do learn how to lip-read and speak so as to be able to live in the world, but a lot of deaf people don't feel the need - the deaf world is a very nice place - it isn't necessary to for many deaf people to leave that world, so why should they?

Q: Why do you personally know more swear words than normal words?
A: I do know more normal words than swear words... but when learning a new language I always think it's fun to learn the rude words first! Not practical, but fun.

If there's anything else anyone would like to know, just ask and I'd be happy to answer if I can.

Deaf Girl

Media

One in seven people in the UK are registered as deaf or with hearing impairment. One in seven, which is about 14%. Yes, we're in the minority, but not by my much. Consider this; 13% of the population in the UK is a redhead. So statistically speaking, we are more common than redheads.

Now look at the media. Look at magazines, books, TV... Other minorities, such as redheads, are portrayed more frequently than hearing impaired or deaf people. The media isn't proportional to the general population. Not that that's surprising - the media typically only shows good-looking, white, non-disabled people. That's Hollywood, get used to it. The media isn't reality.

So it's always a pleasent surprise when I am watching TV and a minor character is deaf, or I pick up a book and one of the characters is hearing impaired. What's even nicer is that it's not made a big deal about. Some people have hearing difficulties. It doesn't define us. It's just a small part of who we are.

I picked up a book in the airport the other day. A chick-lit. The synopsis said it was a book about the relationship about a mother and her daughter. I started reading it, and it turns out the daughter is hard of hearing. I loved that it wasn't made a big thing of, it just was.

I was reading one of my monthly magazines, DIVA, and in it there was an article about singsong performer Fletcher (look her up on youtube, JaynieF). She's deaf and signs at different musical events (one example; one of Ronan Keating's concerts).

One assumption is that deaf people don't enjoy music and have nothing to gain from it. People like Fletcher and Lee (check out lovesbth on youtube) prove this is wrong. We do enjoy music (though admittedly not all deaf people, as some believe it's part of the hearing world and should be kept that way).

But I'm going off on a tangent. I was just thrilled to see an article about her in what is a pretty high-selling magazine. It's nice to know that we aren't being ignored and kept in the dark like old days. We're going mainstream baby!

Deaf Girl