TV

I love watching TV. Probably a bit too much. I follow a lot of different series; Private Practice, NCIS, Dexter, Supernatural, Special Victim's Unit... Far too many! Now, being deaf and watching TV isn't easy. Luckily, most programmes have subtitles. For the ones that don't, I use the neat little TV gadget.

However, I do prefer reading the subtitles, as I have to sit in a certain position with the gadget and not move. It's a nuisance. But I am aware that subtitles are a nuisance for hearing people. Most people put up with it. It's just one of those things. But I do know that some people prefer not to watch movies or TV with me, as they find the subtitles distracting. It annoys them. It gives away what people will say before they say it. One time I was watching a movie with a bunch of people and someone said 'what idiot put the subtitles on?' There was an awkward silence until I said 'it's for me, I'm deaf'. He accepted that, was slightly embarassed, but I do think that it annoyed him.

It's difficult sometimes, knowing you are the cause for people's annoyance and there's nothing you can do about it. So for those that it frustrates, I try not to watch too much TV with them. Luckily, it doesn't seem to bother most people. And it means a lot to me when people put the subtitles on without me having to remind them and ask them. It does sometimes feel like I'm putting people out, and that I am annoying them for needing subtitles. But luckily, most people don't seem to mind too much.

But not everything has subtitles. It's always a nuisance when they don't. Before I got my nifty TV gadget, I had to have the volume on extremely loud if subtitles weren't available - very annoying for the people in the room!

On the subject of TV, there is one programme that I absolutely love. It's called 'Sue Thomas, F.B.Eye', and follows a deaf woman FBI agent. It's great. In my opinion there aren't enough shows that feature deaf or disabled people. Almost every show that I know of is about hearing, non-disabled people. It can sometimes be a tad bit frustrating - no one says that TV is realistic, but it does make it seem as if the world is made up of hearing people alone. Very few shows feature succesful deaf people as their lead character.

Yes, we are in the minority, but we are still here. Don't forget about us! Don't ignore us! You might not think it, but we are around. Most people don't notice, or they aren't looking. But there are a lot of us out there. Almost every day I spot people signing to each other. It would be nice to be represented on the TV as well.

Which is why I love Sue Thomas, F.B.Eye, as not only is the character deaf, but the actress is as well. It's lovely to see a deaf person be recognised as succesful in mainstream society. Of course, there are quite a few deaf actors and actresses out there, but hardly any are in many succesful mainstream programmes. This doesn't include Shoshannah Stern, who plays in Jericho - again, it's great to see deaf people represented in a mainstream TV series.

And I can name quite a few famous deaf people - the founder of Girl Scouts in America (Juliette Low), Connie Briscoe, Matt Hamil, Ashley Fiolek etc.

Not really sure where I'm going with this. I suppose I wish more 'minorities' were represented on TV - and that TV itself catered for deaf people by providing subtitles for every program - as it gets frustrating when the program I want to watch doesn't have subtitles, but the adverts do!

Deaf Girl

Change

One thing I have to consider is how my deafness affects other people. My friends and family. Whether or not I see it as a disability, other people I do. I remember when I first started having hearing difficulties, one of my friends said 'I don't want to be friends with someone that's deaf'. At the time I was furious and hurt. But I've come to realise something - change is scary. And it isn't just me that has to live and deal with this change.

Everyone around me has to adapt in some way or another. Some people are fine with that - one of my friends said she might start to learn sign language. That meant an awful lot to me. But other people aren't so comfortable about it. Some people are afraid to talk about my lack of hearing, they're afraid to upset me. It makes them feel awkward. Many people have never met anyone with a disability and don't know how to act around me. Most people just want to forget and pretend I'm 'normal'.

It's a big thing to deal with change. Especially for my parents. One of my parents refuses to accept it and says there is surgery and we'll try that. Doesn't want to learn sign language until we've exhausted all possible options. Perhaps it is thought that my accepting and embracing this change in my life is a sign of defeat. Perhaps there's a belief I am giving up.

My parents don't understand why I refuse to have surgery that could possibly make me hearing again. Why would I live with a disability if there's a chance I could be 'normal'? But there is also a chance, with this surgery, that it could make me completely deaf. Yes, in 5-10 years time I could be completely deaf, in which case I would try the surgery then. But I want to hang on to what little hearing I have left and treasure it.

Yes, it is possible that this surgery could restore my hearing. But it's also possible it could do the complete opposite. And I am happy with how things are now. I don't see myself as being defeated or merely accepting this change to my life. I see myself as embracing it.

I am learning a new language. I am joining a new culture. I am seeing the world in a way I've never seen it before.

I have accepted the fact that I am going deaf. That doesn't mean I want to speed it up. I won't consider the surgery for another good few years. If there's a chance, even a small one, that I could lose my hearing completely, I want to be fluent in sign language and lip-reading first. I want my parents and those close to me to be able to sign. I don't want to wake up from the surgery, completely deaf and unable to communicate with anyone.

It is hard to accept change. Change is always scary. But it doesn't have to be. Change doesn't have to be a bad thing.

It is hard for me to remember that my deafness doesn't just affect me, but everyone around me. Some people can handle it, and some people can't. I need to remember, when I feel hurt and angry at losing friends or being criticised for not doing anything about my 'disability', that change is a scary thing, especially when you don't know anything about it.

We all want to live in a perfect world where everyone is healthy and has no problems - physically or emotionally. But we don't live in a world like that. And we all need to do our best to accept and embrace the differences in ourselves, and in others.

Deaf Girl

Difficulties

One thing about being deaf, is that people often misjudge me. For example, I am often described as 'aloof' or 'shy'. I am neither of those things. I can understand why I am described like that, even by people that know I am deaf. It is assumed that because I have hearing aids, when I'm wearing them, my hearing is just as good as any hearing person.

This is not the case. In big groups of people, or if there is a lot of background noise, I find it very hard to hear. I try to lip-read, but I'm not great at it. So often, I end up sitting back, just taking in the atmosphere, unable to participate in the conversations going on around me.

And this is why I am described as being 'aloof'. I am sociable by nature, and will often seek out company. I love to party. I love to hang out with friends. I don't mind not being able to always join in the conversation. But it can get frustrating. Especially when people just assume that because I am not talking, I am being anti-social. Or if I don't laugh at joke, that I am being miserable.

I also often get strange looks when I respond to something in a wrong way. It's very easy to mishear something. An example; 'I've got a pain in my knee', 'oh I'd love a cup of tea'. It can be amusing. And embarrassing. And it can cause some problems - if for example, someone is telling me something sad, but I mishear it for something else. Imagine someone telling you their grandfather has died, or their parents are getting a divorce, but you hear something completely different and laugh. If I'm not careful, I can cause a lot of offense when I don't mean to.

People also often think I'm being rude. Both my friends and strangers. Again, because I don't broadcast my 'disability', people often forget I am deaf and assume I'm ignoring them, when in fact I just didn't hear them.

There was one time when I was on a train, I wasn't wearing my hearing aids as my batteries had died, and I wasn't carrying any spare. I was just staring out of the window, lost in my own world, when suddenly someone shakes my shoulder. I look up to find an angry middle-aged man. He said something along the lines of 'I've asked you kindly to move from your seat as it is mine, now move.' He had raised his voice and was drawing the attention of other passengers.

Embarrassed, and slightly flustered, I pointed at my ticket, which clearly stated I was in the right seat. He looked at his own ticket, glared at me, and walked away. I was obviously just an obnoxious, rude youngster that had chosen to ignore him.

It has also happened several times when conductors ask me for my ticket, but I haven't heard them. Most are nice and wave their arms to get my attention. But not all of them. Obviously, after having asked me several times but being unaware, I received a tap on my shoulder. 'What, are you deaf or something? Let me see your ticket.' On this occasion, I wasn't embarrassed, but more annoyed. I replied 'yes actually, I am deaf. Here's your ticket'. I hadn't noticed, but several people had been watching. Some laughed at my reply, and the conductor went bright red. I did feel bad for him, and wished I hadn't snapped at him, but it can get frustrating for me as well as the person talking to me.

Things like that have happened on several occasions. I try my best to be aware of my surroundings, and to be aware if someone is talking to me. But I am human - and like anyone, I often find myself drifting away in my own thoughts.

So please, please don't think I'm blanking you or being intentionally aloof or antisocial. I just can't hear.

Deaf Girl.

Go Go Gadget Girl

One thing that I really like, is that I get lots of free gadgets from the NHS and my social worker, Dot. I've also bought some things. All of them help me to live in a hearing world.

The first thing I got was a necklace. It's bluetooth. I can connect it to my mobile phone. That way, if I want to call someone, or someone calls me, the phone automatically connects to the necklace, which in turn connects to my hearing aids. There's a microphone in the necklace, and whoever I'm talking to is talking directly in to my hearing aids. It's as if I'm wearing headphones. I love it! Of course, I do get some strange looks, as it looks like I'm walking around talking to myself. Quite a few times people have stopped as they're walking past me as they think I'm talking to them.

I can also connect the necklace to my Ipod, which is great. Again, it does have its disadvantages - since my hearing aids act as headphones, I can't hear if anyone is talking to me. A few times people have come up to me and asked me why I ignored them in town, to which I reply I was listening to music. Of course, they then say they didn't see any headphones, so I have to explain that I don't wear headphones, but for all intents and purposes, my hearing aids are the headphones. It's great.

The necklace also connects to my landline at home. So as long as I'm wearing the necklace, I can talk on the phone. I love it! It's horrible having to rely on other people to make important calls for you. If I wanted to order a taxi, call my doctors, order a take-in etc., I always had to rely on other people to make these calls for me, as I could never hear on the phone. So, as long as I'm wearing the necklace (and I remember to charge the necklace!), I can talk on the phone and listen to my Ipod whilst I'm out and about. It's fantastic!

Another one of my gadgets which I got from Dot is a different necklace. This one is quite big, and it works on a loop system. Hearing aids have an option where you can change it to the 'T' mode. If you're ever out and about and you see a sign on doors etc., with an ear with a line through and a little 'T', it means there is a loop system. They have them in banks, churches, some lecture halls etc. So you turn your hearing aid to the 'T' mode and again, it is as if the speaker (priest, bank teller, lecturer etc) is talking right in your ear.

Anyway, back to my gadget. There's a little box that is connected to the TV at home. When I'm wearing this necklace and have it switched to 'T' mode, the sound from the TV is directed straight to my hearing aids - again, as if I were wearing headphones. It's great for programmes that don't have subtitles (that's another entry for another time). The only problem with this one, is that the necklace has to be facing the box, so I have to sit in a certain way and hold the necklace in a certain place, otherwise all I hear is static. And I have to remember to charge it!

I've also been given a gadget for in my room, again from Dot. Now this gadget took a while to set up. It's a deaf alerter. It sits on my bedside table and is connected to this round white ball thing by a wire. The white ball thing is under my pillow. The main box is connected to the doorbell, the telephone and the fire alarm. It took the electrician quite a while to figure out how to connect it all properly - he was there for more than half the day trying to set it all up.

It means that when I'm sleeping and the fire alarm goes off, the white ball will vibrate (and believe me, it vibrates a lot - no one, not even the heaviest sleeper, could sleep through that) and alert me. I then look at the box which has a few different buttons, and can immediately tell what I'm being alerted to - the fire alarm, the telephone or the doorbell. Deaf parents have it connected to their babies' rooms as well, so they can be alerted to when their baby is crying.

In this box there is also a little pager. So if I'm not wearing my hearing aids - which if I'm alone at home I often don't, I carry the pager around, which again vibrates if either the fire alarm, telephone or doorbell goes. It's a very handy little thing. I just have to remember to put it back in the box every night to charge it. And it's very reassuring as well - it's nice to know that I won't sleep through a fire alarm because I couldn't hear it! I know it has reassured my parents, as it means they don't have to come and wake me up in case of a fire, my deaf alerter will have woken me up.

Of course, like all gadgets, it's not without its problems. For example, the doorbell alerter. There's a receiver which is connected to the doorbell to pick it up, which then wirelessly transfers that to the alarter. However, it picks up any loud noise. So if my parents or anyone is standing where the receiver is playing loud music, my alarter tells me that the doorbell is going. So I often open the door to find no one there. But all in all, I would say that is a small nuisance to pay for not dying of smoke inhalation!

There are other gadgets available - bluetooth radio, a music collar (basically, it vibrates in tune to the music), deaf phone and many other things. But for now I'm happy with the three gadgets I have. Especially since getting more would entail me having to remember to charge them, which I'm quite bad at remembering... It's quite annoying when I'm in the middle of a conversation on the phone, and my necklace suddenly dies!

But it's very nice to know that there are so many options out there, and that there are people out there working on how to make a deaf person's life easier. It's a very nice feeling.

Deaf Girl.

My first time...

...wearing a hearing aid that is. What on earth were you thinking of, you dirty minded people?? ;-P

Of course I knew my hearing was getting worse. No surprise there. Even though I was prepared for it, it came as a shock. For a few years I had gotten used to being told my hearing was getting worse, but still in the 'normal' range. Then, suddenly, around Christimas, I was told I needed a hearing aid and I'm classed as hearing impaired.

I cried that day. I felt as if my world was falling apart. I had listened in shock as the doctor told me what was wrong with me ears - that the little bones by the eardrums are calcing up, stopping sound from passing through. So I knew what was causing the problem - surely they could fix it?

They could. But with a huge risk - it could go great and I could revert back to my hearing life, or it could go wrong and I could go completely deaf. I was faced with the decision - risk it, or accept my new life. I chose the later.

And I don't regret it. Yes, it was a shock and I was upset at now being classed as disabled. But upon getting my hearing aid, I was thrilled. Suddenly I could hear things, things I didn't know I was missing. I could hear birds. I hadn't realised how quiet my life had become, until I put in my hearing aid. I could hear my parents talking. I could hear lectures. It was amazing.

Pretty soon, I was no longer upset, but excited. When I saw my flatmate L. after Christmas, I practically jumped up and down in excitment showing her my hearing aid and exclaiming I can now hear things and she won't have to shout anymore. It was great.

Though, as I said in my first post, it doesn't come without its issues.

Since then, I've had quite a few hearing aids. Each time I go for a hearing test, my hearing has worsened, and so I either get new hearing aids or the ones I have get adjusted. I no longer get so excited about getting new hearing aids, nor am I as upset. My 'disability' has become a part of me. It doesn't define me, it is not all I am. But it is a part of me. And you know what? I'm proud of being deaf.

I'm learning so much about the deaf culture, language and community. My eyes have been opened. I have learnt a lot, things I wouldn't have learnt had I not started losing my hearing.

But... I do smile everytime my hearing aids get adjusted, and I can once again hear birds singing. It's a beautiful sound - don't take it for granted, because it might not always be there. So for me, while I still can, I will enjoy it. I hope you will as well.

Bliss

The world is so loud. Wind, cars, people talking/shouting, the call of animals. It can be very tiring.

So, at the end of a day, there's nothing better than taking out my hearing aids and being in total silence. Ah, peace at last. Finally, after a long, hard day, I can relax. I love going to bed at night and taking them out.

Yes, in the beginning I was scared. I didn't want to live in silence. But now, now it is one of the things I enjoy the most. One of my favourite things to do is lie outside and watch the stars in silence. Nothing to distract me from the serenity and beauty of a starlit sky. Just complete and utter peace. I don't hear the wind, I don't hear the traffic, I don't hear the TV inside, I don't hear wild animals calling to each other. For me, this is bliss.

Of course, there are other times where my deafness comes in handy. When I'm having an arguement with someone for example. When I've had enough, I just switch my hearing aids off. Of course, the recipients of this behaviour (most often my parents!) don't find it amusing. But to me it's a great way to escape.

Had enough of the lectures from your parents? Tired of the same old aruguements repeating themselves? Fed up with idiots trying to convince you they're right? Just switch off your hearing aids.

Total silence. Total bliss. (And one more reason I may like this - it annoys the hell out of people!!)

Deaf Girl.

First post

So here we have it, my blog. The idea to start this first came about when my social worker, Dot, read a note I had written. The note was all about things I experience as a deaf person. I wrote it to get things off my chest, and to show my hearing friends how some things can be offending. Dot, and my parents, suggested I start a blog to show hearing people how my life is affected by being deaf. So here you have it.

The note I wrote:

It shouldn't come as a surprise to any of you that I am classed as deaf (I have just received a letter from my social worker stating that I am classed as 'deaf with speech' on the Register of Chorinically Sick and Disabled Persons).

Growing up, I was hearing. I've lived almost my entire life in the hearing world. However, by my later teens I noticed that I was struggling. It started slowly at first. Though my hearaing was declining at quite a rapid pace, I didn't receive my first hearing aid until I was 20. Now I have two hearing aids, and my hearing is considerably worse than it was two years ago.

It's been an adjustment for me, and will continue to be an adjustment as my hearing gets worse and worse. My entire life I have been part of this one world - the hearing world. But now I'm on the outside of two worlds - the hearing and the deaf world.

I am trying to adapt to botht he hearing and the deaf world. I can lip-read slightly, but by no means am I skilled at it. Likewise, I am learning BSL (British Sign Language), but again, I am by no means good at it. BSL is a language with its own grammar and syntax, and like any language, it takes a long time to master it completely. So for now I find myself on the edge of these two worlds until I master both lip-reading and sign language.

Thank Goid for hearing aids! Without them, I would be completely lost. Luckily, in most situations in the hearing world, my hearing aids work perfectly, and for a while I forget I am a deaf person in a hearing world. However, having hearing aids does not mean I have super-hearing. If you, with almost perfect hearing, can't hear something, then please don't say 'you're the one with the hearing aids, can you hear anything?'

There are situations where I am often reminded of my 'disability'. Hearing aids do not work in clubs, or in any situation where there is a lot of background noise. If it is very windy, chances are I will have difficulty hearing someone talk. If there are a lot of people all talking at once, it is difficult for me to pick out anything coherently. If I am driving my car, it is difficult for me to hear. They don't always pick things up on the TV either - so subtitles are always a must for me.

And I know it gets frustrating for people to have to repeat themselves. But it is frustrating for me as well. I try my best, but it isn't easy.

So please, when I ask you to repeat yourself, don't get annoyed, don't say 'it doesn't matter'. I am trying my best. By refusing to repeat what you have just said, by saying 'it doesn't matter', it is almost like you are saying 'you are not important, you are not worth repeating it to.' You may not see it that way, but when everyone is laughing at a joke or something that you've said and you don't repeat it to a HoH (Hard of Hearing) person, what message do you think that sends to us? That perhaps the joke was about us. That we are not important enough to repeat it to. You might think that whay you have said isn't worth repeating, but please, let us - me - be the judge of that. Don't exclude me.

When I tell people I am learning sign language, one of the first things they say is normally 'oh that's easy, I know sign language!' and proceed to show me their middle finger. Haha. Yes, I've heard that one before. Yes, if you ignore the blatant disregard these people have for a complex language, it was slightly amusing the first time someone said that. But bear in mind, that any jokes you make about sign language have probably been made 20 times already, and the humour wears off.

Another thing people often find amusing is to see how bad my hearing really is. When I'm not wearing my hearing aids, people find it funny to whisper around me to 'see how deaf you reall are'. When I don't respond, they find it hilarious. Then when they start laughing and I ask them why, they say my deafness is hilarious, as 'I can call you all sorts of names and you wouldn't even realise!' Yes, very funny. I can do the same back to you in BSL. But generally I try and refrain myself from being an ass and insulting you. I don't make of you for being short, or wearing glasses, for having spots, for being left-handed etc., so please don't make fun of me for being deaf.

And if you wish to talk about something you don't want me to know - please wait until I am out of the room, as you would any other person. Don't use my deafness against me to gossip about me. Even if you are planning a surprise etc., it isn't nice knowing that someone a few feet away is talking about me, but I can't hear them. I know you don't like it when people whisper about you when you're in the room - it is no different for me.

But please don't pity me for being deaf. I don't need to be pitied. I enjoy life and its beauties. I enjoy listening to music - something not many hearing people realise, even completely deaf people can enjoy music (ever heard of Beethoven?).

As deaf people we must adapt to the hearing world, but it would be nice if the hearing world would adapt to us as well. For instance, please don't mumble, cover your mouth or turn away when you're talking to a deaf person. We are trying our best to understand you, but you could make it easier on us.

Lastly though, if you are unsure or curious about anything to do with deafness - just ask. I have no problem with people asking me questions about being HoH/deaf. In fact, I prefer it when you ask instead of assuming something.

Thanks for reading!

Deaf Girl