Who & when

One of the difficulties - besides the obvious ones - about being deaf is when to tell people. Anyone with a disability that isn't obvious will know what I'm talking about. When meeting new people, when exactly do you bring up the subject?

If you're just meeting someone for the first time - say at a party or whatever - you don't introduce yourself by saying 'hi, I'm ... and I'm disabled.' But if you leave it too late it feels as if you're hiding your disability on purpose.

The subject of disability rarely comes up in conversation. On the odd occasions it does, and then it's easy to mention my deafness as it is just part of the current conversation. But to bring it up myself always feels odd. I don't want to hide it, but I don't particularly want to draw attention to it either.

But then, by not saying anything about my deafness to people that don't know I'm deaf, is that a lie of omission? It's not like you tell someone everything about you, unless it just happens to come up in conversation. For example; religious beliefs, political beliefs, dietary needs, sexuality, medical conditions etc etc.

So when is the best time for telling someone? Leave it too late and the person in question feels angry as they believe you hid it on purpose and they always ask 'why didn't you tell me sooner?', and tell people too early and they think you're either wanting attention, sympathy, making an issue out of it or are daring them to make a comment.

And who do you tell? Do you tell that cute guy/girl you've just met out clubbing, the one you're very sure things won't go any further than whatever happens that night, do you tell the woman at the shops that isn't speaking clearly, do you tell the woman you've met on holiday and will never see again?

And of course, if you tell people too soon - for instance that cute guy/girl that you've just met - you run the risk of them running scared. Some people do not want to be friends/lovers/whatever with someone that is different. It's too much effort. But if you're already friends/lovers/whatever with someone, then that someone might feel hurt or angry you didn't bring it up before, but are more willing to accept it because of all the time and effort that has been put into that relationship.

It has happened plenty of times that I'm talking to someone I've just met at a club, flirting and getting on great, when I've had to say 'do you want to go outside, I can't quite hear you in here'. Then once outside and the person finds out the reason why I can't hear them, they lose interest.

I won't lie to you, that hurts.

People say it is their loss, not mine. If you loss a friend/potential friend/lover/potential lover/whatever because they can't accept that you have a disability, then it is their problem, not yours. But it still hurts. Knowing that there is something about you that makes you different and strange, something that people can't always see past, something that stops you from becoming friends/lovers/whatever with an otherwise nice person... It will always hurt. Sometimes you may feel anger as well, but there will always be hurt.

It hurts knowing that you are cast aside because people can't accept you for who you are. It hurts knowing people lose interest in you because of something about you that you have no control over.

So, who do you tell and when? There is no right or wrong answer. I am just learning this. I make mistakes - I tell people too soon or too late. But despite this, I have somehow managed to find myself in the company of some pretty amazing friends. I am very lucky in that I have a great group of friends that aren't bothered by my deafness in the slightest.

But... I can't help but think though of the friends that could have been, had I not been deaf. Of the relationships that could have been, had I not been deaf.

Because of all of this, I find I am building defenses around myself. I am always wary when meeting new people or when the possibility of a relationship is on the horizon, as it has happened so many times that once they find out about my disability, I am cast aside.

It will always be painful. But you learn to live with it and move on. But you do become wary, it's hard not to.

As for the 'who do you tell and when', I have absolutely no idea. Wish I did, it would make life so much easier. Then again, no one ever said life was easy. You've just gotta roll with it and accept the things you can't change.

Deaf Girl

Disabled

Of course, one thing about having a disability that isn't clearly visible, is that you have to tell everyone new you meet. Normally it doesn't come up in conversation, but one or two times it does. Like when I have to ask people to look at me when they're talking, put subtitles on the TV etc. It doesn't bother me, and mostly it doesn't bother other people.

A couple of days ago, I was chatting to two guys at a hotel I was staying at near Vegas. We were sitting by the pool sipping our cocktails and saying which guys in the hotel we thought were hot. I had no trouble understanding them - their voices were quite loud.

The two guys, K & T, wanted to swim for a bit. They quickly stripped off to their trunks and jumped in. I sat with my feet in the water, watching them and laughing. They kept asking me to join them, to which I had to reply that if my hearing aids got wet, they would break.

Bot of them looked at me, aghast. I could see they were thinking 'oh my Gawd, she's disabled!' An expression I've come to recognise, loathe and accept. It's automatic. Most people then move on and forget about it, some don't. Luckily, K & T were very accepting and non-judgmental. They were also very aware not to splash me with water etc.

K then got a look on his face - one that I haven't come across yet. One that I loved. A look of 'so what?'

'You can stand in the pool and not get your hearing aids wet - you don't have to sit on the edge looking in. We won't splash you. Just stand in the pool with your head above the water. There's no reason for you to be left out.'

And he was right. So I did.

The deepest end of the pool was only 5"3 deep, I'm 5"11 tall. I could easily stand in the pool and not get my hearing aids wet. So I did. And I had fun, and the guys were careful not to splash me. It was great.

But I realised something - society labels me as disabled, so, without realising it, I thought of myself as disabled, I put unnecessary limits on myself because I had a 'disabled' mindset. Yes, of course I have to be careful and there are certain things I can't do. But there is a lot that I can do.

I'm disabled. It doesn't mean I'm not able. Society deems anyone with any sort of disability to be fragile - must handle with care. And though I hadn't realised I was doing it, I was letting myself be put in to that box.

It took two strangers to point out to me that yes, I may have a disability, but this does not make me any less of a person. This does not make me incapable of doing things, it just means I have to go about things slightly differently. It is not something to be ashamed of. It just is.

I am disabled. Hear me roar.

Deaf Girl

Change

One thing I have to consider is how my deafness affects other people. My friends and family. Whether or not I see it as a disability, other people I do. I remember when I first started having hearing difficulties, one of my friends said 'I don't want to be friends with someone that's deaf'. At the time I was furious and hurt. But I've come to realise something - change is scary. And it isn't just me that has to live and deal with this change.

Everyone around me has to adapt in some way or another. Some people are fine with that - one of my friends said she might start to learn sign language. That meant an awful lot to me. But other people aren't so comfortable about it. Some people are afraid to talk about my lack of hearing, they're afraid to upset me. It makes them feel awkward. Many people have never met anyone with a disability and don't know how to act around me. Most people just want to forget and pretend I'm 'normal'.

It's a big thing to deal with change. Especially for my parents. One of my parents refuses to accept it and says there is surgery and we'll try that. Doesn't want to learn sign language until we've exhausted all possible options. Perhaps it is thought that my accepting and embracing this change in my life is a sign of defeat. Perhaps there's a belief I am giving up.

My parents don't understand why I refuse to have surgery that could possibly make me hearing again. Why would I live with a disability if there's a chance I could be 'normal'? But there is also a chance, with this surgery, that it could make me completely deaf. Yes, in 5-10 years time I could be completely deaf, in which case I would try the surgery then. But I want to hang on to what little hearing I have left and treasure it.

Yes, it is possible that this surgery could restore my hearing. But it's also possible it could do the complete opposite. And I am happy with how things are now. I don't see myself as being defeated or merely accepting this change to my life. I see myself as embracing it.

I am learning a new language. I am joining a new culture. I am seeing the world in a way I've never seen it before.

I have accepted the fact that I am going deaf. That doesn't mean I want to speed it up. I won't consider the surgery for another good few years. If there's a chance, even a small one, that I could lose my hearing completely, I want to be fluent in sign language and lip-reading first. I want my parents and those close to me to be able to sign. I don't want to wake up from the surgery, completely deaf and unable to communicate with anyone.

It is hard to accept change. Change is always scary. But it doesn't have to be. Change doesn't have to be a bad thing.

It is hard for me to remember that my deafness doesn't just affect me, but everyone around me. Some people can handle it, and some people can't. I need to remember, when I feel hurt and angry at losing friends or being criticised for not doing anything about my 'disability', that change is a scary thing, especially when you don't know anything about it.

We all want to live in a perfect world where everyone is healthy and has no problems - physically or emotionally. But we don't live in a world like that. And we all need to do our best to accept and embrace the differences in ourselves, and in others.

Deaf Girl