Preferred language

It's been a long day today. I travelled back from the States with my parents. All in all, we travelled for 24 hours, on one train and 3 planes. And a hell of a lot waiting around in airports. I do have difficulty with planes - I find the change in pressure and all the noise (the airco, people talking etc etc) messes with my hearing aids and I can hardly hear a thing.

I was sitting a few seats away from my Mum. She tried to ask me something. No matter how hard I concentrated, I just could not hear her. And my lip-reading isn't good enough to be able to understand full sentances - at most I can pick out one or two words and generally figure out what is being said. But, being so tired from travelling, I just couldn't understand what she was saying.

Eventually, a lovely air-hostess acted as a go-between. We explained that I'm deaf and she was fine. She said she had had no idea. Since I was born hearing and have lived most of my life hearing, my voice sounds 'normal' and not the kind of voice people expect a deaf person to have. This air hostess was lovely, and for waking me up she touched my arm - when I'm asleep no amount of shouting at me will wake me up. I just don't hear it. So I need physical contact to wake me up.

Anyway, before the air hostess helped us, we were both getting frustrated. I couldn't hear. So I tried signing to my Mum. I've been teaching her some signing - we mostly fingerspell to each other. However, Mum was tired so couldn't concentrate on the signing, and I was tired so couldn't concentrate on lip-reading. Very frustrating.

Another thing which most people don't understand is that I prefer signing. I still have a long way to go before I'm fluent in BSL, but I know a lot of basic signs, and what I don' t know I fingerspell. My parents, and most people, find it hard to understand why I prefer this. After all, I grew up hearing and talking, so surely it should be my preferred method of communication?

But it's not. Even with my hearing aids in, I have difficulty judging the sound of my voice, whether I'm speaking too softly or too loudly. I'm very conscious that because I can't hear, I sometimes talk too loud. Or I think that I might be talking loud so speak quietly. It's very hard to find the normal range. It's probably an adjustment period and with practice I'll get used to it. I know people that have been deaf from birth or early childhood and have speech that have no problem with speaking in the normal sound rage. So it probably is because I am gradually losing my hearing that I have a problem with it.

But I do find it slightly embarrassing. So I prefer signing. Especially when I'm tired and don't have the energy to lip-read or try and judge whether I'm speaking too loud or too quiet. Of course, for my Mum it's the other way round - when she's tired, she doesn't like to sign. This is something we need to work on - we both need to adjust.

Of course, amongst my hearing friends that can't sign, I talk. But some of them know a few signs and again, I prefer signing those as opposed to talking.

Perhaps my parents are afraid that I will revert completely to signing and stop functioning in the hearing world. This will never be the case. I am more at ease at signing the few words I know as opposed to speaking them, but I don't expect everyone I know to learn BSL. So I will always speak - even if I go completely deaf, I will still have speech and lip-reading.

Some people prefer to talk in spanish or french or dutch - I prefer to sign.

But again, it's all about adjusting and finding a way to accept changes. I will always talk. But I will also sign.

Deaf Girl

Disabled

Of course, one thing about having a disability that isn't clearly visible, is that you have to tell everyone new you meet. Normally it doesn't come up in conversation, but one or two times it does. Like when I have to ask people to look at me when they're talking, put subtitles on the TV etc. It doesn't bother me, and mostly it doesn't bother other people.

A couple of days ago, I was chatting to two guys at a hotel I was staying at near Vegas. We were sitting by the pool sipping our cocktails and saying which guys in the hotel we thought were hot. I had no trouble understanding them - their voices were quite loud.

The two guys, K & T, wanted to swim for a bit. They quickly stripped off to their trunks and jumped in. I sat with my feet in the water, watching them and laughing. They kept asking me to join them, to which I had to reply that if my hearing aids got wet, they would break.

Bot of them looked at me, aghast. I could see they were thinking 'oh my Gawd, she's disabled!' An expression I've come to recognise, loathe and accept. It's automatic. Most people then move on and forget about it, some don't. Luckily, K & T were very accepting and non-judgmental. They were also very aware not to splash me with water etc.

K then got a look on his face - one that I haven't come across yet. One that I loved. A look of 'so what?'

'You can stand in the pool and not get your hearing aids wet - you don't have to sit on the edge looking in. We won't splash you. Just stand in the pool with your head above the water. There's no reason for you to be left out.'

And he was right. So I did.

The deepest end of the pool was only 5"3 deep, I'm 5"11 tall. I could easily stand in the pool and not get my hearing aids wet. So I did. And I had fun, and the guys were careful not to splash me. It was great.

But I realised something - society labels me as disabled, so, without realising it, I thought of myself as disabled, I put unnecessary limits on myself because I had a 'disabled' mindset. Yes, of course I have to be careful and there are certain things I can't do. But there is a lot that I can do.

I'm disabled. It doesn't mean I'm not able. Society deems anyone with any sort of disability to be fragile - must handle with care. And though I hadn't realised I was doing it, I was letting myself be put in to that box.

It took two strangers to point out to me that yes, I may have a disability, but this does not make me any less of a person. This does not make me incapable of doing things, it just means I have to go about things slightly differently. It is not something to be ashamed of. It just is.

I am disabled. Hear me roar.

Deaf Girl

Housekeeping!

Imagine you've been walking around Vegas all day. Having a great time, but by the time you get back to your room, you're exhausted. There was little wind outside and the sun was the hottest you've ever felt it. You're feet are aching. All you want to do is have a nice cool, long bath.

So you go to your hotel room. You get the book you've been reading and you step in the bath. You sigh as you feel the water cooling down your hot skin. Picking up your book, you lie back and relax. Everything is wonderful.

Suddenly, without warning the door swings open. You let out a startled gasp as a strange man stands there. He quickly closes the door.

You exit the bath as quickly as you can and put on the nearest piece of clothing - which in this instance was a swimming costume. Gingerly, you open the door to an empty room. So you open the door to the hall. And standing there, is a man from housekeeping.

He aplogises profusely, explaining how he knocked on the door first and shouted 'housekeeping'. You then explain you're deaf, and since you were in the bath you didn't have your hearing aids in, so didn't hear him.

He aplogises some more. You reassure him it's fine. Neither of you can look each other in the eye. Then you turn to go back in to your room and continue to have your bath. Only to realises the door has closed and you've locked yourself out. So you have to turn back to the man that minutes ago saw you naked, and ask him to let you in to your own room.

And the lesson you've learnt from this? If you're deaf and want to have a bath, put the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door!

Deaf Girl

Queue arguing

I'm currently on holiday in America. At the minute I'm in LA. Having such a great time. Went to Universal Studio today. It was such a fun day. There was only one instance where my deafness caused me some problems.

I was standing in a queue for one of the attractions, when a group of about 20 people pushed their way to the front. It was definitely annoying. But I wasn't going to make an issue of it. I was still quite close to the front of the queue and was in holiday mode. It wasn't a big deal.

However, an American woman at the front thought otherwise. She started shouting at the people that had pushed in. She had every right to do so, as they were in the wrong. It got very heated. And several times she was pointing at me.

I couldn't hear what she was saying. Everyone around me was shouting and making noise, there was no way I could distinguish between her and them. Then a porter came out to see what the fuss was about. The woman talked to him for a while and kept pointing at me.

I could not hear a word of what was going on. I was getting slightly nervous - surely this woman didn't think that I had pushed to the front and was singling me out?

Then the porter turned to me and said something. Everyone else turned to look at me as well.

I had no idea what he said. Everyone was waiting for some kind of answer. Some people were glaring at me.

Thoughts going through my mind; I haven't done anything! Out of everyone here, why did that woman have to choose the deaf girl to make an example of? Everyone is staring at me, agh!

So I gave the only answer I could; 'I'm deaf, I don't know what you're saying.'

Some people went bright red in embarrassment. I felt slightly relieved - now at least I wasn't the only one in the crowd with a face the colour of a tomato!

Eventually though, things were cleared up. It turned out the woman was complaining on my behalf. She had said that I had been standing in the queue for 30 minutes and others had pushed in. It wasn't fair on me and everyone else that had been standing in line. The porter merely wanted to know if this was true.

And that was the end of that. I was allowed to go in ahead of the people that pushed in, and found my seat, relieved to be out of the spotlight.

I was quite nervous there for a while - I had absolutely no idea what was going on around me, if people were angry at me, if they thought I had done something wrong etc. And since I was alone, I had no hearing friends or family to ask what was going on.

But luckily everything was cleared up in the end and no harm was done, and the woman had been speaking out on my behalf, which was nice.

Deaf Girl

Party time

It was my friend's birthday yesterday. Was a really fun night. We went for a picnic and then had a houseparty. All had a lovely time.

I tend to take a lot of pictures at big gatherings. Firstly, because I'm a photographer's daughter and secondly, because when you can't really hear, it's easier to take pictures. As I said before, people tend to think I'm aloof or not interested because I don't talk much at loud gatherings. I can try and focus on a conversation between a few people, as long as I can see their lips. But there's a lot of noise going on, and it's difficult to know who to focus on.

So it's easier to take pictures. I'm part of the party and am excused from trying to hear. People just roll their eyes. But it is easier to sit back and snap pictures, rather than sit back silently and look like I'm not enjoying myself. Which is never the case, as I've said in a previous entry, am happy to enjoy the atmosphere, and can talk with the people directly close to me. I enjoy parties just as much as anyone, but I enjoy them for different reasons.

So, that's why I tend to take a lot of pictures. It's also one of the reasons why I used to smoke. If things are really noisy and loud and I just can't focus on any one thing in particular - like in a club, where the music is normally just to loud to hear anyone, it's easier to have an excuse to slip out. Like smoking. It's easier to say I'm going out for a smoke than it is to say it's too loud, I can't focus on anything, it's like all the sounds are a blur and is slightly uncomfortable. I love clubbing. But I need some time outside as well. And if I'm smoking when I'm outside, people don't give me any strange looks, whereas if I'm standing outside doing nothing, I get very strange looks.

Of course, now I've quit smoking I'll just have to go back to getting strange looks.

It's also the reason why I don't tend to talk on the dancefloor - it's basically impossible for me to make sense of anything. And why I prefer to stand/sit in the corner to talk where the music is generally somewhat quieter.

I also don't wear my hearing aids when I'm clubbing. It picks up the loudest noise, in this case, it's the music. There's no point in wearing them. I do wear them at parties, but once the music comes one - which it should, it's a party - it makes it more difficult to hear, as the music and all the people talking and whatever other noises are going on, just makes all the noises jumble together.

But like I said, I love parties and I love to go clubbing. If people are going out, you can hardly stop me! But it is slightly difficult for hard of hearing and deaf people. We enjoy parties and clubbing in slightly different ways, but still enjoy them none-the-less.

Deaf Girl

A bit wet

Hearing aids aren't waterproof. Which is unfortunate. I can't wear them when I go swimming, or have a shower, if it's torrential rain outside or whenever there's a lot of water around. In these cases, I have to take my hearing aids out and am deaf.

It's quite annoying, as there's certain things I can't do - have spontaneous water fights, play assassins etc. I'm also very aware of people playing pranks - if someone were to pour a glass of water - or any liquid - over my head as a joke, it would ruin hearing aids. And they aren't cheap!

But really, it's a small price to pay. Hearing aids are complex little things with batteries. And like most things with batteries, they aren't waterproof. Not really a big deal. So sometimes I have to be extra careful and sometimes I'm deaf. Not a big deal at all. Not like it does any harm... Or so you'd think!

There was one time when I was having a shower at my then-boyfriend's house. My hearing aids were out and I was enjoying the hot water - I tend to have quite long showers. I'm putting the conditioner in my hair and switch off the water. I hear a vague, quiet noise, but don't think much of it. I continue to do my hair. Only this noise persists. I wonder what it is.

So I put on a towel. Wander around the bathroom. Realise it's coming from the door. Realise it's my then-boyfriend shouting through the door. It turns out that the whole time I've been in the shower, I've been flooding the kitchen downstairs. And he's been banging on the door and shouting for me to switch the shower off.

Oops. Neither him nor his Mum were very amused, and I was mortified. Luckily though, there was no damage. And they understood that I wasn't ignoring them - I just didn't hear him banging and shouting. It all turned out fine in the end. Although for some reason, they always insisted I have a bath from then on, and I never used the shower again!

There've been other little mishaps. Quite often I step in the shower, forgetting I have my hearing aids in. Luckily, I've always remembered before the water managed to get to it. I'm sure my parents wouldn't be amused if I told them I broke a hearing aid by sheer forgetfulness. Although saying that, I have lost and broken a few hearing aids in the short while I've had them. But I guess that's a story for another time.

So yes, water is definitely not friends with hearing aids. And it doesn't just damage hearing aids, but kitchens as well...

Deaf Girl