Deaf jokes

Thought I'd share some of my favourite deaf jokes. Of course, these aren't jokes by the deaf - those would be near impossible to translate into English and the punch-line wouldn't be the same. Enjoy!

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

An older gentleman had lost his hearing aid and wanted to get a new one. Before getting the new hearing aid, he wanted his ear cleaned out, so he went to his doctor. As the doctor was cleaning his ears, he noticed a foreign object lodged in the man's ear canal. With a pair a tweezers, the doctor removed the object. Upon closer examination, he discovered that it was a suppository. The doctor told the older gentleman that he had a suppository stuck in his ear. At this, the man exclaimed, "Now I know where I put my hearing aid!"

I noticed a deaf couple in the library talking to each other, evidently in a heated argument. The wife was getting more upset, using large signs, her husband could see that she was upset. Finally, he took both her hands in his, and signed, "Honey, you don't have to yell, I am not blind!"

A man marries a deaf girl. He signs: "let's make a code: if I want sex, I will squeeze your breast. In response, you can pull my penis once for Yes, and 50 times for No"

Deaf Girl

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all had a wonderful day with your family & friends celebrating this wonderful day.

I'm currently down south visiting my family - my parents and I drove down to spend Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day with my grandparents, aunt & cousin. We're leaving early tomorrow morning to drive back.

Of course, I wanted to look my best when seeing my family, as I hadn't seen them for some time. So... what does a girl do when she wants to look good? (No jokes about beauty sleep not being enough, thank you!) Gets a haircut of course.

So off to the hairdressers Mum and I go. We both had our hair coloured, cut, and blow-dryed. Now most women, my Mum included, love to chat at the hairdresser's. You get the latest local gossip and just generally have a nice natter while drinking a cup of tea.

Slightly different for me - getting my hair done is a very silent event. I have to take my hearing aids out when the dye is being put in my hair - don't want the dye accidentally dripping onto or into my hearing aids and breaking them. And likewise when the dye is being washed from my hair I don't wear my hearing aids. There's also no point wearing them when the hairdryer is being used on my hair, as I wouldn't hear anything anyway.

So, a visit to the hairdresser's is a very silent affair for me. Instead of putting my hearing aids in and taking them out every 5 minutes, I just leave them out. I also can't lip-read at the hairdresser's as you're sat facing a mirror - haven't learned to mirror-lip-read yet!

Mum said that she and a few others tried to start up conversations with me, but because I wasn't wearing my hearing aids, I was oblivious. It must have come across as very rude. Luckily, Mum was there to explain to everyone that I wasn't intentionally ignoring them, I just couldn't hear them. I had explained this before I took my hearing aids out, but most people don't believe me because I don't sound like a deaf person when I talk.

So, once we were finished at the hairdresser's, we head off back home to pack and get ready. Fast-forward a few hours and it's time to go to bed.

I'm just starting to fall asleep when I notice that my bedroom has suddenly become lighter. I open my eyes to see my Mum standing by my bed. I ask her what she's doing. She moves her lips, but no sound is coming out. Or rather, it is, but she's whispering!

'Mum, I'm deaf, I'm just going to sleep, I'm not wearing my hearing aids...'

Oops. Even my parents sometimes forget I'm deaf. Turns out she was just checking that Snoopy, my cat, was in my room before locking up the house.

Fast forward a day and we've arrived at my Grandparents' house. Lovely seeing everyone again. We all catch up and soon it's time for bed. I'm sleeping in my cousin's room and wanted an early night. He wasn't too fond of that idea - he was playing some online game on the XBox and talking with fellow gamers in the 'scrim' (whatever that means).

I told him he could continue to play, it wouldn't bother me. As soon as my hearing aids come out, I'm deaf. So he can continue to play to his heart's content. He was thrilled and told my parents that it's great having a deaf cousin. It does have its uses!

Christmas Day was lovely as well. Unfortunately, both Mum and I have horrible colds. Which means my ears are all bunged up as well, making hearing aids useless as I can't hear through them anyway.

My Aunt brings out these candles. They're tall, thin and hollow. She put on in my ear and burnt it. When it had burnt down, she took it out. It had cleared my ear right up. These candles take away ear wax (gross, I know), clearing up my ear so I'm able to wear my hearing aids again. Brilliant! Dad also uses the candles (since he gets a build-up of wax making him almost as deaf as me) and they clear his ears right up as well. Strange things, but very effective.

The rest of the day passes and we're watching TV. The subtitles are on for me, as I left my TV gadget thing at home. The family come in and ask 'why on earth are the subtitles on?'

'Because I'm deaf.'

'Oh yeh!'

It's not just my friends and parents forget that I'm deaf, but my extended family as well!

Very easily done.

Anyway, it's about time I sign off and go and be sociable.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Deaf Girl

Attention Passengers...

Snow. Isn't it wonderful? So pretty. So serene. So annoying!

I should be in Helsinki, Finland right now visiting a friend. I should have arrived there on Friday evening and be leaving to go back home tomorrow evening. Unfortunately, I am still in England. I made it as far as the plane...

Arrived at the airport at 4.30am. Went through security at just after 5am. Boarded the plane at just after 6am. Then... nothing. Everyone was sitting in their seats, the air hostess where bringing round drinks and biscuits, but the plane wasn't moving.

After 30 minutes there's an announcement from the pilot informing us there's a problem at Amsterdam airport (I'm taking a connecting flight via Asmterdam) due to snow. We have to sit on the plane for another hour. So we're all twiddling our thumbs. Eventually the hour passes. Only another announcement informs us we have to wait for another 30 minutes.

So after 30 minutes there's another announcement. Only I can't quite hear it. But everyone on the plane groans. I'm thinking; 'uhoh, this can't be good.'

I ask the woman sitting behind me what was just said - she informs me that in 10 minutes we're going to disembark the plane because for the next 3 hours it doesn't look like the snow is going to lift.

It's now a little after 8am. I'm fed up. And really, really wanting to get to Helsinki.

I go for a (non-alcoholic) drink in a bar and stand outside smoking. (Yes, this is after security - it's awesome, there's an outside smoking area past security!)

A woman comes up to me and asks me something. I don't hear her - too much background noise. She asks me something again, and again I don't hear her. She's getting frustrated and looks at me like I'm stupid. Asks me a question again. I tell her that I'm sorry, but I'm deaf and I can't hear her. She mumbles something and leaves.

I then wander around the shops for about an hour. Eventually I find myself at the information desk, but there's no one there. Get chatting to a guy that was on my flight. He offers for me to sit with him and his friends, as I'm there alone. I gladly take him up on his offer.

We all sit and chat for a bit, then suddenly everyone gets up. I ask what's going on. Turns out there had just been an announcement that the plane to Amsterdam is boarding again, which I hadn't heard. I'm thinking - it's a good thing this guy had offered for me to sit with them, as I hadn't heard the announcement and would have just been wondering aimlessly around the shops.

It's now almost 10am. We're sitting on the plane. Another 30 minutes goes by. Another announcement - more delays. We'll update you in an hour.

I manage to nap for a bit. When I woke up it was about 11.20. Still no news. Then there's another announcement, which again, I don't quite catch. So I ask an air hostess what's going on - she informs me that Amsterdam airport has closed due to snow. I'm having to lip-read what she's saying as there's so much noise from the other passengers that I can't hear anything.

So 20 minutes later we're all disembarking again and waiting for our luggage. That takes quite a while.

Finally, at 12.30 I have my luggage, my Dad has arrived to pick me up, and I'm heading back home.

Not the way I had envisioned spending 8 hours of my time on a Friday morning!

Deaf Girl

First date

I'm now back at uni. Cat-sitting for Snoopy was fun. Although, there is one problem - I didn't wear my hearing aids for most of the weekend, so relied on my little gadgets to keep me informed for things like the doorbell ringing, phone ringing etc. That wasn't the problem. The problem was Snoopy.

She's a cat. She has super-hearing. I am a deaf human, I have hardly any hearing. She jumps at any little noise. She's lying on the seat next to me, and then suddenly she's sitting up, ears forward, staring at the door. Of course, me being home alone and deaf, I'm thinking 'oh shit, is there someone out there? Is someone creeping around the house and I can't hear them?'

Of course, no creeping of any sorts was done (as far as I'm aware). Her super-hearing was probably picking up the movement of mice outside. But her sleeping-to-sudden-standing-at-attention did creep me out a bit! I learnt that it isn't so much fun being a deaf woman home alone!

In other news, BSL class last night was fun. We signed the story of 'The Snowman'... and I'm pleased to say, I started thinking like a deaf person. BSL is a visual language. It's all about creating a picture. I didn't know how to sign 'making a snowman', so I thought about it. Okay, it's about showing people what happened. So I did. And I was right! Slowly starting to get the hang of this. Yay!

I had a first date yesterday as well. We had a wander around and went for a drink at a coffee shop. It was nice, he was funny, much laughing was to be had. Though there were awkward moments were I just couldn't hear what he had said, but it was obvious he was expecting a response of some sort.

So of course, I did what I always do when I have no idea what response I should give - make one up and hope for the best. It seemed to work.

He doesn't know I'm deaf. As I've said in a previous entry, it's difficult to know when to tell someone; the first time you meet them, once you get to know them etc. There are risks whatever you do - a lot of people can't be bothered to deal with a deaf person, think it's too much hard work. Or if you tell them too soon it seems like you're giving attitude and daring them to make a wrong move.

I don't know if I'll see him again or not - we had a nice time, but was there any chemistry...? I don't know yet. So we'll see what happens. If I do see him again, I will have to tell him I am deaf. And we'll see if he's one of those people that doesn't care, or runs for the hills.

Deaf Girl

Peace and quiet

I'm currently at home cat-sitting while my parents are visiting friends in Germany. It's lovely. I'm not wearing my hearing aids - what's the point, it's just me and my cat Snoopy - and I'm thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet.

It's nice sometimes to just not wear them. They can occasionally make my ears all hot etc. So it's nice to not have to wear them this weekend.

Although, I'm not sure my neighbours would agree - they can probably hear the TV through the wall.

Okay, so I don't hear the doorbell, fire alarm or phone ring - but that's what my deaf alerter is for. So I'm wearing that little pager thing. Tell you what - it scares the hell out of Snoopy. The doorbell rang, and my pager - which I had put on the seat next to me, started vibrating (it's not like a phone vibrating - it's much stronger than that) and my poor cat who was sitting a couple of seats along, jumped out of her skin.

One minute she was all curled up on the sofa, dreaming about chasing mice or something, and the next she was on all fours on the floor staring at my pager. It was quite funny to watch.

It's nice not to hear sometimes and to just switch off.

Although I did put my hearing aids in for a bit today - had to go to the shops to get some stuff. Tell you what - I really had to use my lip-reading skills then. I have never seen the shops so busy, there was not a single parking space left in the car park - I had to wait about 5 minutes for a space to free up.

So of course, the shop was absolutely packed. And noisy. Especially after having a day and a half of silence. Very noisy. I needed to talk to someone behind the counter so that I could buy some Euros. I could not hear a thing she said. It probably didn't help that she was sitting behind some very thick glass. After asking her to repeat something a couple of times, I gave up using my hearing and instead focused on her lips to lip-read. It worked.

I might not get it first time, but I am getting better at lip-reading. I managed to buy the Euros with no problem, and even managed some polite conversation about Las Vegas.

And it's not just in the hearing world where lip-reading is useful - it's very useful in sign language class as well.

My sign language teacher is deaf with no speech. But she can lip-read and often when teaching us new signs she says what the sign is. Of course, she doesn't speak, but her lips form the word. A lot of the time the others can't understand her, as hearing people generally don't have the need to lip-read. I'm finding that it's getting easier and easier to read her lips (as she's a lip reader herself, she really forms each syllable so it's easier to read).

So - lip-reading isn't just helping me along in the hearing world, it's also helping me along in learning BSL.

Very useful indeed!

Deaf Girl

Consultant appointment

I did not want to get up this morning. I had an appointment to see a consultant for my hearing. I just wanted to snuggle right back down in bed and go back to sleep. I'm just so utterly sick and tired of having hearing tests.

For the past 5-6 years I've been having hearing tests bi-annually, so I know what to do. I could do it in my sleep (well okay, no I couldn't as when I'm asleep I'm dead to the world). But you get the point. Yet every time someone always talks me through it.

'Have you had a hearing test before?'
'Yes.'
'So you know what to do?'
'Yes.'
'Okay. So anyway, what you do is...'

So I really didn't want to go to hospital, do another heating test, and then be told that they're still not 100% sure what's causing my hearing loss.

Luckily, I was in for a pleasant surprise! The consultant had all my previous hearing test results so didn't need me to do another one. And... he actually took the time to talk to myself and my parents and really explain what's going on.

My hearing loss is caused by damage in my inner ear. Unfortunately, there is no way to tell if it is nerve damage, damage to the cochlear or damage to the neurons leading to the brain (no - this does not make me brain damaged!) or if the tiny hair in my inner ear are not working properly.

It's a shame we can't find out for certain what's causing it, but it wouldn't really make any difference. We know for sure that it's not damage to the bone, so an operation is out. However, it's not all doom and gloom.

There is no way of knowing what my hearing will do in 10, 20 or 30 years' time. I had always been lead to believe that In 2o years I will be deaf. This could still be the case. It could also be the case that my hearing stays as it is now. They have no idea what my hearing will do. So that's good - I may not go completely deaf. Fingers crossed!

And there's other good news: if my hearing does get worse and it gets so bad that hearing aids do nothing, then I can have a cochlear implant.

There was also quite an amusing bit where the consultant asked me to take my hearing aid out while he put a tuning fork behind my ear to see if I could hear it. He then started talking to me. I had to remind him that I didn't have my hearing aids in, so couldn't hear him.

I think he was slightly embarrassed at that - he's a consultant for people with hearing problems, and he forgot I was deaf... Whoops. So he turned to face me so I could read his lips.

So. It's good to have some answers. Even if there are still uncertainties. At least I know - vaguely - what the cause of my hearing loss is and that I will always have to wear either hearing aids or cochlear implants.

Deaf Girl

Difficult

Sign language is difficult. Like, really difficult. For those that think BSL is basically english but with signs instead of words, let me assure you, it really isn't.

It's a completely different language. You can't think in english and sign in BSL. You have to think in BSL. A sign in BSL might not have an english word equivalent and vice versa. In fact, one sign could be a whole english sentance.

You also have to watch facial expressions. Whereas the spoken language has different levels of pitch, intonation etc., the signed language has facial expressions. You can't just rely on your hands - that would be like someone speaking in a monotone voice.

The language syntax is also completely different. Take the following example.

English: I like your bag, where did you get it?
BSL: Bag like, from where.

English: The small red house on top of the hill.
BSL: hill, house, red, small on top.

Don't make the mistake that BSL is simple, is a child's language etc. Because it really isn't.

It's going to take me years and years to really grasp the language, to be fluent in it. This is quite difficult for me. Learning languages has always come naturally. If I were to suddenly wake up in Germany, with no one that spoke english around for miles, I would be able to look after myself. I'm not fluent in German, but I'm pretty good at it. I am fluent in english & dutch, and understand a bit of french.

I've always found that if I try hard enough when learning a language, it just comes to me naturally.

This isn't the case with BSL.

It's difficult, really difficult.

I'm feeling slightly disheartend. This is a language that, in 10 years time, might be the only language I can comunicate in. And right now, that is a very scary thought.

I'm not giving up, in fact I am more determined than ever to learn it. I'm just aware that it's going to be a long, difficult road.

Deaf Girl

A fun night

I was at a small house party the other night, celebrating the birthdays of two of my friends, S & P. It was fun.

It was quite hard for me to concentrate on any one specific sound as there was music playing, lots of conversation and also noises coming from someone's iPad. But it was fun. The atmosphere was good and I could make out some conversations close to me.

At one point we played pass-the-parcel. That was hilarious. Inside each layer there was a task that the person opening it had to complete. The only problem for me was that I couldn't hear whether the music was playing or not. So one of my friends, J, said she'd signal to me when the music stopped.

So the parcel went round and round, and then the guy next to me won't take it. I look up only to realise that my friend was signalling that the music had stopped. Whoops!

It was a very fun evening.

Then on the walk back to my house, I had an impromptu snowball fight with my housemate (I was wearing my purple hat).

Sure, I probably missed out on a few conversation or whatever, but I enjoyed myself.

Deaf Girl