Who & when

One of the difficulties - besides the obvious ones - about being deaf is when to tell people. Anyone with a disability that isn't obvious will know what I'm talking about. When meeting new people, when exactly do you bring up the subject?

If you're just meeting someone for the first time - say at a party or whatever - you don't introduce yourself by saying 'hi, I'm ... and I'm disabled.' But if you leave it too late it feels as if you're hiding your disability on purpose.

The subject of disability rarely comes up in conversation. On the odd occasions it does, and then it's easy to mention my deafness as it is just part of the current conversation. But to bring it up myself always feels odd. I don't want to hide it, but I don't particularly want to draw attention to it either.

But then, by not saying anything about my deafness to people that don't know I'm deaf, is that a lie of omission? It's not like you tell someone everything about you, unless it just happens to come up in conversation. For example; religious beliefs, political beliefs, dietary needs, sexuality, medical conditions etc etc.

So when is the best time for telling someone? Leave it too late and the person in question feels angry as they believe you hid it on purpose and they always ask 'why didn't you tell me sooner?', and tell people too early and they think you're either wanting attention, sympathy, making an issue out of it or are daring them to make a comment.

And who do you tell? Do you tell that cute guy/girl you've just met out clubbing, the one you're very sure things won't go any further than whatever happens that night, do you tell the woman at the shops that isn't speaking clearly, do you tell the woman you've met on holiday and will never see again?

And of course, if you tell people too soon - for instance that cute guy/girl that you've just met - you run the risk of them running scared. Some people do not want to be friends/lovers/whatever with someone that is different. It's too much effort. But if you're already friends/lovers/whatever with someone, then that someone might feel hurt or angry you didn't bring it up before, but are more willing to accept it because of all the time and effort that has been put into that relationship.

It has happened plenty of times that I'm talking to someone I've just met at a club, flirting and getting on great, when I've had to say 'do you want to go outside, I can't quite hear you in here'. Then once outside and the person finds out the reason why I can't hear them, they lose interest.

I won't lie to you, that hurts.

People say it is their loss, not mine. If you loss a friend/potential friend/lover/potential lover/whatever because they can't accept that you have a disability, then it is their problem, not yours. But it still hurts. Knowing that there is something about you that makes you different and strange, something that people can't always see past, something that stops you from becoming friends/lovers/whatever with an otherwise nice person... It will always hurt. Sometimes you may feel anger as well, but there will always be hurt.

It hurts knowing that you are cast aside because people can't accept you for who you are. It hurts knowing people lose interest in you because of something about you that you have no control over.

So, who do you tell and when? There is no right or wrong answer. I am just learning this. I make mistakes - I tell people too soon or too late. But despite this, I have somehow managed to find myself in the company of some pretty amazing friends. I am very lucky in that I have a great group of friends that aren't bothered by my deafness in the slightest.

But... I can't help but think though of the friends that could have been, had I not been deaf. Of the relationships that could have been, had I not been deaf.

Because of all of this, I find I am building defenses around myself. I am always wary when meeting new people or when the possibility of a relationship is on the horizon, as it has happened so many times that once they find out about my disability, I am cast aside.

It will always be painful. But you learn to live with it and move on. But you do become wary, it's hard not to.

As for the 'who do you tell and when', I have absolutely no idea. Wish I did, it would make life so much easier. Then again, no one ever said life was easy. You've just gotta roll with it and accept the things you can't change.

Deaf Girl