Limbo

Some days I wish I had been born deaf, instead of slowly going deaf. It's hard living on the edge of two worlds. I don't fully fit in in the hearing world, or the deaf world. Sometimes it feels like I live in limbo.

Yes, I am learning BSL and lip-reading. But until I fully master both of them, I don't fit in anywhere. Hearing people see me as deaf. Deaf people view me as hearing. I am both, I am neither.

The deaf world has it's own hierarchy - the highest being deaf born to deaf parents. The lowest being hearing impaired but not from birth.

I don't mourn my hearing loss. I don't wish I was hearing again. I just wish I was one or the other.

I want to fit in somewhere. But at the minute I am in no man's land.

Learning a new language is difficult and it will take years before I am fluent in BSL. I would love to go to Deaf Club and fit in and forget about the hearing world for a while. But my BSL isn't good enough for that yet - I am only a beginner. And most people in Deaf Club aren't that welcome to beginner BSL users, after all, Deaf Club is a place for deaf people to go to take a break from the hearing world. The last thing they want is to babysit a not-deaf-not-hearing person that hasn't fully grasped their language.

But I need a respite from the hearing world as well. So it can be tough.

That's why I like lip-reading -we're all in the same boat. We were all hearing but are now deaf. No one gets annoyed when you ask to repeat something. No one judges you for being at the bottom of the hierarchy. Everyone is welcoming.

But it is a place where you learn how to cope in your old home, the hearing world. it's not really a break from anything.

In December there is a Deaf Club meeting where beginner BSL users are welcome. I'm really looking forward to that. It should be good.

Greetings from the twilight zone,

Deaf Girl