Nerves

Last Thursday was the start of level 3 BSL.  It was horrific.  I hadn't signed in over 3 months and have forgotten so much.  It was made even worse by the fact that most of the other people there seemed to understand everything.  Bugger.

Like any language, if you don't practice - you forget.  The first hour of the class, I was extremely disheartened.  I was wondering if I should bother to continue - I'll never be fluent in it, I'll never be accepted in the Deaf community...  It took one of my friends telling me that she was considering just getting in her car and driving home during the break to make me realise that I need to stick it out.  I think I managed to convince my friend to stick it out as well.

The second part of the class went a lot better than the first.  I was understanding a lot more and felt more confident and determined.  It's going to take me years to be fluent in BSL.  I can't expect to be fluent in only a few years.

Level 3 is definitely harder than level 1 & 2, but for me, it's worth it.  After all, I may be completely deaf myself one day, so it's better that I learn the language now.  Level 3 is also different, in that I'm required to go to Deaf clubs and film myself signing.

I'm quite nervous about going to a Deaf club.  My signing is nowhere near up to par.  I'm worried that I won't fit in.  I might be completely deaf myself one day - but at the minute I still have some hearing, so I'm worried that I will be an outsider.

But, I just have to wait and see.  There's absolutely no point in worrying about how I might be treated.  At least I'm making the effort and learning this amazing language, and that has to count for something.  Right?

Deaf clubbing

It's been quite a while since I posted an entry here.  There's so much I could write; how I thought the Olympic & Paralympic opening & closing ceremonies were great - especially as they included the d/Deaf, in the form of kids signing to a song.  How I went on camping trip with some friends, and they were very considerate in playing music quietly so that it didn't interfere with my hearing aids.  How happy I am that people are asking me questions about being deaf.  How I passed my BSL exam and have now enrolled on to the next level - BSL level 3.

Yes, there's a lot I could write about.  But instead, I'm going to show you this comic from Girls With Slingshots, which I just love!

My Song

I've just finished watching a 25 minute short film that BSL zone made. It's a really good film. Granted, the acting isn't great, but the story behind it is. And it's one I can relate to. It's about 17 year old Ellen, a deaf girl born to a hearing family. She was brought up hearing, and her family expect her to try and work to fit in with them, instead of them all working together. So Ellen decides to learn BSL and wants to travel down to London to take part in in a Deaf event, but once she's there, she's faced with criticisms from the Deaf community for trying to fit in with the hearing world and just expecting the Deaf community to welcome her with open arms. It's a terrific film. If you have the time, do watch it. It's subtitled throughout, even when they're signing, so it is both hearing-and-Deaf-friendly. Have a look.

Deaf Teens: Hearing World

I'm watching a documentary that my parents recorded for me a while back. It's called "Deaf Teens: Hearing World". It follows a few d/Deaf teenagers around as they live their lives.

One of them, born to a deaf family, is having a cochlear implant before she goes to university.
Another, born to a hearing family, goes to a deaf school where the emphasis is on learning to lip-read and speak. So much so that using BSL is forbidden in class.
Another one is born to a Deaf family and is completely comfortable with who she is.
Another one was born to a hearing family, where they view his deafness as a disability and there is a sort of pity surrounding him.

The one that goes to a deaf boarding school has just been told off for not wearing her hearing aids. I'm amazed parents would send their child to a school like that. By doing that, they are teaching her that it is wrong to be deaf. They are teaching her that she should hide a part of her.

I don't deny that learning to lip-read is a good thing. I am learning to lip-read, it does help to get by in the hearing world. But this school is completely isolating these kids from the Deaf community. They went these kids to become a part of the hearing world, but these kids will always feel like they're on the edge of it, that they're not really part of it. And by telling them they can't use BSL, they are preventing them from becoming a part of the Deaf world.

To me, this is wrong.

I can relate to some of it as well. One of the girls has just gone to university. This is what she said:

"It's really hard trying to understand what people are saying, because obviously each person has a different lip pattern and the way the pronounce things, maybe because of their accent. It gets to a point where I just sort of give up and let myself sink back into the background and watch their lips move and not understand what they're saying."

Lip-reading is extremely difficult. Every person's lips move slightly differently when they speak - depending on their accent and on them as a person. So you have to be able to take that into account and focus all your energy on it. Which isn't so bad if you're talking to them one-on-one, but if you're in a group and everyone has a different accent, it gets extremely difficult and tiring. The easiest thing to do is to just sink back and become an observer. That's why when I'm at a party or in a group social situation, I prefer talking to only one or two people. Group discussions are a nightmare.

They also talk about hearing aids. When you're d/Deaf, you're used to silence. If you're then put in a situation which is extremely noisy, it's uncomfortable. When you're d/Deaf, you're not used to noise, it's not what is normal to you. You wear the hearing aids so you can function in the hearing world. Right now, I'm home alone and I'm not wearing hearing aids. I'm writing this blog and watching the documentary. When I'm writing in here, I pause the documentary, as I can't read the subtitles whilst I'm writing in here.

It's nice to go back to the quiet. I don't enjoy wearing my hearing aids. Yes, it's nice to hear the birds sing and to be able to hear people. But when I don't need to hear, I will take them out. If a programme that I'm watching has subtitles, I don't need to hear it. If I'm alone in the house, there's nothing that I need to hear. Even though I grew up in the hearing world and for the first 18 years of my life I was hearing, I'm not anymore. I'm not really part of the Deaf world either, I'm inbetween the two. Yes, I grew up hearing, but I am now deaf. I don't need to hear noise all the time. It gives me a headache.

There are so many attitudes to deafness and deaf people. Even within the Deaf community, there are so many attitudes and opinions. So many of us are self-conscious. Uncomfortable with who we are. Desperately trying to fit in to a world that, as a whole, is not accepting of us, is uncomfortable around us.

Like the deaf school that gives detention if you use BSL. It can be difficult to find your way in the world. Especially if you're trying to figure out which world you belong in - the hearing or the Deaf. But at the end of the day, you should never be made to feel ashamed of yourself. You should never be made to feel like you are sub-human because you are not part of the hearing world. There is nothing wrong with being d/Deaf, just like there is nothing wrong with being hearing.

But that deaf school... that's really got me going. I remember what it was like being a teenager (oh so many years ago!). For most of my teenage years I was hearing. It was difficult trying to work out who I was. Then when I started to lose my hearing, it became even more difficult. Suddenly I realised that there's more than one world, but that the other world is largely invisible to hearing people. Luckily I had great friends and family that supported me as I explored this new world that I had just been thrown in to. I was never made to feel like this new world was in any way inferior to the one that I had grown up in, nor was it in any way superior. It was just different. But for this school to take children that are trying to find themselves, trying to work out who they are and trying to overcome insecurities and tell them that the world that they are born in to is a lesser world and that they should work at getting by in the hearing world which will never fully accept them...

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I think that is horrendous.

I am deaf. I am intelligent. I have a sense of humour. I am stubborn. I am not ashamed of who I am. No one should be ashamed of who they are.

The documentary finishes after it's done a piece about Sencity. It's a nightclub in that is specifically for the d/Deaf. It was filmed on the opening night and it looks amazing! It's desrcibed as an attack on the senses and it looks fantastic. I would love to go! They have a vibrating dance floor so that you can feel the beat of the music. To every track they play they have insence to match the mood of the music...

It looks amazing. I've just had a look at their website and this is what they offer:

aromajockey » smell the senses
sensefloor » feel the music vibrating through your body
signdancers » watch the lyrics and emotion of the songs
foodjockey » taste the different emotions
visual jockey » watch inspiring images
light jockey » enter a new world of colours
feel the music suit » feel the music vibrating through your body
dancers » get excited about their body language
hairdressers » make your hair look kinky
massage » find a moment of rest at the party
visagie » a new face or an extreme make-up?

That is one place that I definitely want to go to. A place that celebrates who you are and doesn't try and make you into someone or something you're not. Amazing.

Daily Mail

Yesterday the Daily Mail posted an article entitled "Deaf and dumb girl tells of UK 'slave' ordeal".

My BSL tutor is furious about it, as am I. The term 'deaf and dumb' is a hugely offence and out-of-date term to describe those with hearing impairments. By using that term, it implies that d/Deaf people are not intellectual, that we suffer from a form of mental retardation. It implies that because our hearing is not perfect, we aren't intelligent.

Deaf does not equal dumb.

As a whole, we are not stupid. We are just as intelligent as a hearing person - being d/Deaf has nothing to do with intelligence. Using that term takes us right back to the old days when Deaf people were ostracised, when we were hidden away and were the black sheep of the family - an embarrassment. Deaf and dumb was a term used to describe idiots. It's extremely derogatory.

Obviously, the media still uses this term - which only hinders the fight for d/Deaf rights and the recognisition of BSL as a language. It implies that our Deaf culture and Deaf community do not count for anything - that we are second class citizens, that we are idiots. It is appalling that this degrading term is still being used by the media.

I am Deaf. I am also a university student. I graduated from school with high marks. I am not dumb.

Yet by using that term, the Daily Mail claims that, because most d/Deaf people don't speak English, we are less intellectual than our hearing counterparts - indeed, we are stupid.

Our ears don't work as yours do - but our brains are just fine, thank you very much.

I am writing a letter of complaint to the Daily Mail - it would be great if you could as well.

Deaf Girl

Capitalisation of the D

A friend of mine has recently had an article published in our online student newspaper. The article (which you should read here), is about Sign Language and people's reaction to it. The comments that it received got me thinking.

Most people don't realise that there's a differnce between 'Deaf' and 'deaf'. The capitalisation of the 'd' is important in the Deaf culture. Most deaf people, prefer being called Deaf, not deaf. Deaf, with a capital, refers to the Deaf culture, whereas deaf without the capital refers to being hearing impaired.

Deaf culture is a vital part of BSL. Deaf culture is thriving. Many hearing people don't realise this, as it's very rare that they're involved in Deaf culture. But this culture has been thriving for years and there's a big sense of community. Even when teaching BSL was illegal, the Deaf culture lived on, avoiding the law and teaching their kids not only BSL, but everything that comes with being Deaf.

You can be deaf, without being Deaf. At the minute, I'm deaf, as I'm not fully immersed in Deaf culture. Likewise, you can also be Deaf, without being deaf. For example, a hearing child brought up by one or more Deaf parents is usually fully involved in the Deaf community, even though they are hearing.

When referring to any sort of culture, you would normally capitalise the first letter (ie. British community, French culture etc), and it is exactly the same with the Deaf community.

Me

Frenchie returns

Now that I'm back at uni, BSL classes have started up again. It's great signing again - though I've realised I've grown very lazy over the summer. The class was coming to an end, I was tired and just wanted to go home to sleep. The teacher asked me something, to which I replied. Except, because I was lazy, I only half-heartedly signed. Wrong move. The teacher looked at me, and then I realised my mistake. In being lazy, I had made the wrong sign. Instead of signing 'friend', I had signed a very rude word. The two are quite similar, especially when you're tired.

Luckily she saw the funny side. Serves me right though! I'll make sure not to get complacent, and give signing my full attention.

Despite that slight mishap, it's great to be signing again. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed it. I love it. And the great news? My Mum has started to learn BSL as well. I'm absolutely thrilled about that.

For the past few days I've had a friend (Frenchie) stay over. It's been lovely seeing her. Have definitely missed her presence here at university. Hadn't seen her since the start of summer - so we definitely had a lot to catch up on. Which of course, meant staying up till the early hours of the morning, chatting.

She was lying in her bed, I was lying in mine, and we were having a good catch up and gossip. Was lovely. I do have a problem with late-night chats though - when do I take my hearing aids out? Often, the conversation will start up again when the lights are out and we're both just lying there. I normally take my hearing aids out before the lights go out. This time it was a guessing game - I didn't want to appear rude and not respond when I actually hadn't heard...

Frenchie is also an early bird. Or rather - I am not a morning person, and compared to me, everyone is an early bird. I like my lie-ins. Frenchie likes getting up in time for breakfast (unless I have an early lecture, I tend to miss breakfast and only surface for lunch). However, this wasn't an issue. She could move about and get ready with no fear of waking me up. There's definitely benefits to being deaf!

By the end of her stay with me, Frenchie had lost her voice. She started out by sounding nice and husky, and ended up sounding like a heavy-breather breathing down the phone... Now, losing your voice is annoying at the best of time. But especially if you're Frenchie - that girl likes to talk! Which I find great, because I like to talk just as much. She was struggling by the end though, with absolutely no voice.

Luckily - I can lip-read. It was great - Frenchie would mouth the words to me, giving me a chance to practice my lip-reading, and allowing us to continue to gossip. It also meant we were a bit quieter (my poor neighbour - he's probably been kept awake by random bursts of uncontrolled laughter in the early hours of the morning), as there was only one of us laughing.

Tell you what, lip-reading would have been a useful skill to have had when I was younger and having sleep-overs, and my pesky parents kept telling us that they could hear us talking and to go to sleep...

V

Popular culture

This past week seems to have been a very good week for BSL. It was everywhere I looked. Gone are the days when signing used to be punishable, we're going mainstream and being recognised. It's a good feeling.

I was watching a new series called 'The Body Farm' with my parents. Basically, it's CSI set in England. I became absurdly excited when I realised that the storyline for this episode involved Deaf people. Yay! I then became even more excited when I realised I could understand what they were signing. Go me.

The second time I noticed Sign Language being used was in a WebComic I read. Yes, I am aware that this is extremely nerdy, and I probably just lost all my streetcred by admitting I read webcomics. Oh well. Anyway, a character in this WebComic (Girls With Slingshots) is Deaf and signs. She never had much of a big part in it, but the past few episodes revolved around her. Which was exciting to me.

I'm a nerd. Shut up. Stop judging me.

Finally, the other thing that has me very excited is the music video to 'You Need Me' by Ed Sheeran. A friend gave me the link a while ago, but it's recently made it in to the Top 10. Ed Sheeran is a UK singer and his music video features a young signing actor. He signs the entire song. What's even better is that I can understand almost the entire song by the signing. I love it. Here's the video:



Just three little things, but they're pretty major. BSL is classed as one of the national languages in the UK. However, you hardly see it anywhere in popular culture. Until now. There's still a long way to go - but we're getting there!

Deaf Girl

Take it off

Not long ago I was going through airport security. I did the usual things; take my laptop out of my bag, put all the stuff from my pockets in to the tray (seriously, how is it possible to accumulate so much junk in a pocket that only fits 4 fingers?!) and take my shoes off. Stand in line, waiting for the bored security guards to call me through the metal detector. Get to the other side, without setting the metal detector off, and collect my stuff.

Only, I'm approached by two security guards. At first I think they're going to walk past me, then I realise they're walking towards me. The man (in his late 40s, short, fat and with a beard) looks at me with suspicious eyes. Uhoh. Have I done something wrong?

'Excuse me, what is that?' he says, pointing towards my chest.

I stare at him, looking slightly shocked, not entirely sure how to respond. Are my breasts illegal?

The woman with him, seeing my confusion, clears things up for me, 'he means the necklace'.

I look down. Oh. He's not pointing at my breasts (glad to know that having breasts isn't a crime), but at my bluetooth necklace. What's wrong with my bluetooth necklace?

'I've never heard of a bluetooth necklace,' he almost growls at me, 'why do you have one?'
'It connects my hearing aids to my mobile phone, so I can call people.'
'I've never heard of such a thing. Take it off.'
'It connects to my hearing aids.'
'Take. It. Off.'

I stare at him, he stares at me. I am clutching my necklace. I know I won't get it back if he takes it. I would be lost without it, and it's not exactly cheap. Around us, people are starting to look at us with interest. I feel myself going a lovely crimson colour (why do I blush so easily dammit!). I don't want to cause trouble, and I certainly don't want to be arrested by airport security and miss my flight. I just want to get on my way, with my necklace.

'Please, I'm deaf, I have hearing aids, the necklace connects to it so I can hear,' I say, whilst lifting up my hear and turning to him, showing him my hearing aids.

The man is about to say something, but luckily the woman interrupts.

'It's okay. Thank you.' She turns to leave. The man glares at her back, then at me and then, with a loud sigh, turns and follows the woman.

She was obviously satisfied with my explanation and realised that my necklace wasn't some sort of remote detonator.

Don't get me wrong - I think airport security do a good job, I'm very thankful towards them. I just think things would have been easier had one of them not been such a miserable guts.

Deaf Girl

I'm right here!

Sometimes I think it must be difficult for my friends and family to adapt to my deafness. Most are happy to adapt and do so without complaint. However, a few sometimes let it be known that it's quite a hassle. It does sometimes leave me feeling as if I'm purposefully putting people out by having a disability. Shame on me. It is difficult sometimes to not feel like a burden.

However, I'm aware that it is difficult to change and to adapt. Most of my friends at university have only ever known me as deaf, so for them it's not too difficult. However, for those that have known me for a long time, it can be very difficult to adjust. For most of my relationship with them, I have been hearing. It is then difficult to change a lifetime of behaviour and adjust to new behaviours.

I'm aware it's difficult. I know it's difficult - it's difficult for me as well. I do have to admit though, that it does sometimes hurt. For instance, if I say I'm taking my hearing aids out and won't be able to hear you (unless you're facing me and I can lip read), talking to my back is not only useless but also slightly hurtful. It makes me think 'do I mean so little to you that you don't take in what I tell you about my disability?' It's common for people to forget, I understand that. But it can hurt - it can feel like you haven't even crossed their mind.

Luckily, this doesn't happen too often.

Something which does occur quite often, however, is people talking about me to my family - when I'm sitting right there!

To my Dad: 'Oh, so she's deaf?'
Me: 'Yes'
A quick glance at me, turning back to my Dad: 'But she can hear sometimes?'
Me: 'Yes'
Ignoring me, asking Dad again: 'So how does that work?'
Me: 'Without my hearing aids I can't hear. With them, I can mostly hear okay.'
Looking at me thoughtfully, then turning back to Dad: 'So do you sign to her to communicate?'

Uhm... Hello? I thought I was meant to be the deaf one, not you. What, have I suddenly become invisible? I'm sitting right here! I'm deaf, not dumb. IQ points aren't linked to hearing - just because I'm losing my hearing, doesn't mean my IQ is rapidly falling. You can have an intelligent conversation with me you know. I know, it's shocking - people with disabilities can be intelligent. Shock, horror!

Deaf Girl

A nerd

The brain anatomy course I was on now seems like a very distant memory. I had a such a great time and would love to go again next year.

At times I did feel like the nerdiest of nerds. Especially when I could answer a question that even PJ (who's a neuro-pathologist) didn't know. That definitely made me feel a) smart [something which doesn't happen very often - what with most of my friends being mathematicians, chemists, engineers, physicists and biologist] and b) a nerd. A very big nerd.

Sadly, it was only a handful of times that I felt this way - most of the time I was learning completely new things. I loved it! I never thought I would love learning as much as I did on that course. Yep, I'm aware - I'm a nerd.

However, it wasn't great all the time. There were times that left me feeling horrible, like a dead weight. For the practical sessions (where we examined real brains) we were split up into groups of five. All 120 of us were in one room. The background noise in this room was deafening - literally. I could not hear a thing, let alone any words that anyone in my group were saying. So when they asked me where I thought the thalamus or Broca's area was in the brain, I had no idea what they were saying. I was trying to lip read, but so many of the terms have very similar names that I wasn't able to tell them apart. The looks I was getting from them - I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. They clearly thought my IQ matched that of an ant. I did explain to them - again and again - that I was deaf and that I was trying to lip-read. They didn't seem convinced - even when I showed them my hearing aids. They continued to talk to each other - deliberately, it seemed - facing away from me.

I then stopped trying. I figured; if they weren't bothered about me, then I wasn't bothered about them. I stayed behind after that session and went through everything myself - that way I hadn't missed out on anything. That was the first time that I felt left out in a vindictive way, purely because I am deaf. I didn't let it stop me from enjoying the rest of my course though.

In one of the sessions we were also shown the cochlear nerve - I asked about the exact location an implant would go. One of the demonstrators showed me and then said 'the benefits probably wouldn't be very good - but I suppose some hearing is better than no hearing.' I replied that he shouldn't say that in the deaf community. He seemed surprised (as a lot of hearing people do) that people don't actually see anything wrong or bad about being deaf, and that given the choice they would rather remain deaf.

It all came to an end too fast, and I soon found myself waiting for my train at the train station. It was extremely busy, and I had a few hours to kill. I did something I probably shouldn't have done - I found myself a seat and started to people watch and lip-read their conversations. There was a young couple that were trying to work up the nerve to go to the toilet together for some 'fun time'. There were two sisters having an arguement about which celebrity was hotter (I kid you not). There was a man in an army uniform saying goodbye to his girlfriend, promising her that he would be back soon. It was then that I realised that I was eavesdropping and shouldn't be doing that. I quickly stopped and stood in front of the announcement board waiting to see what platform my train would be on.

Suddenly, about 50 people all started moving towards the trains. I was confused - what had just happened? Nothing on the boards had changed. Were these people receiving instructions that no one else could hear? Were we being invaded? (I told you I was a nerd). I quickly asked someone standing next to me what was going on. He looked at me as if I had just sprouted horns on my head and said 'the conductor just shouted that the train heading to *destination I am heading* is at platform 3.'

I sighed with relief, realising that there was no imminent alien attack happening in the train station. The man standing next to me quickly moved away, obviously fearing this stranger that had asked him a question and then smiled like a lunatic.

I left wishing they had changed the board and hadn't relied on a conductor shouting. What if I wasn't the only deaf person there? People could easily miss their trains. Luckily, all was well and I arrived home a few hours later. It was a great few days, but I am glad to be home and sleeping in my own bed!

Deaf Girl

"Eat in or out?" "Get it out where?"

I'm currently on a 3 day brain anatomy course. I love it. It's not been without it's incidents though...

Let's ignore my clumsiness (last night whilst out for dinner with a friend I managed to knock a bottle of vinegar off a table bringing it crashing to the floor and exploding everywhere and today I managed to drop my cup of coffee on the floor, great start to the day!). I'm the type of person that will trip over a matchstick - it's incredible how clumsy I am.

Let's ignore that part though. So I'm sitting in the reception of this course, in a room filled with 100 strangers. Slightly daunting, but not too bad; after all, we're all here for the same reason - to learn about the brain. I get chatting to a woman next to me who seems nice. She asks me if I want to go out for a smoke. I politely decline, saying I've given up smoking (46 days now!). She asks me again.

"Are you sure?"
"Yes, thanks. I don't smoke anymore."
"It's been so long now - if you have one now that first inhalation will be amazing."
"I know, it's okay though, it's healthier not smoking."
"Are you sure? You can always stand next to me and I'll breath the smoke on you."

Wow what an amazing offer. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to be breathed on by a complete stranger? Geez, what is up with this woman? I hope I was never so obnoxious or pushy when I was a smoker. Anyway, I thought it was HoH/deaf people that kept repeating themselves, not some random hearing Yorkshire woman. She eventually gave up and went outside to smoke, alone.

Then I started chatting with another woman. This one was actually sane and didn't want to exhale all over me. We chatted and sat next to each other in the lecture theatre, both giving our full attention to the lecturer. (As a side note - this lecture was completely different to a university lecture, in that no one was whispering to each other, we were all here for the same reason and 100% focused on what he was saying).

Unfortunately by the time we had registered and entered the lecture hall, it was almost full so we had to sit right at the back. This meant I had to really focus and strain to hear him. This was made even more difficult by a man sitting two rows in front of me - he seemed to have extremely sensitive hearing and complained that the microphone was too loud.

The lecturer (I'll call him PJ from now on) said he would turn the microphone down. My heart sank - there was no way I would be able to hear him if he turned it down, it was a struggle as it was. Luckily, a couple of other people shouted out 'no' as well. I felt for the poor guy - he had super sensitive hearing but was in a room with a deaf girl.

So we're all sitting there, paying attention. I'm literally on the edge of my seat; I'm that enthralled by what he's saying (yes, I realise that makes me a nerd - I don't care, I was in my element). Suddenly;

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP

I almost jump a foot in the air off my seat. I actually grabbed the table in front of me. What the hell is that noise?!

For about two minutes there's a horrible, loud continuous screeching sound. The poor guy with sensitive hearing was almost doubled over in pain. My hearing aids were screaming in my ear and giving me feedback on top of the screeching sound, so I quickly turned them off. Even with them switched off I could still hear a faint sound - which will tell you how loud it was!

Then just as suddenly as it started; it stopped. We never did find out what it was. We all looked at each other in confusion, then continued with the lecture.

At lunch time Em (the sane woman) and I go for lunch at a little cafe around the corner. That was interesting. I go up to the woman and ask her for a baguette. She's absolutely tiny and has some sort of accent. Why does her height matter? Because her mouth was bellow the counter so I couldn't lipread. Her accent also made it more difficult to hear her.

From what Em later told me, the conversation went something like this:

"Would you like that toasted?"
"A white baguette please."
"Toasted or cold?"
"A few days old? What do you mean?"
"TOASTED or COLD?"
"Oh, cold please. Can I have an ice tea as well?"
"Eat in or out?"
"I have to get it out? Where?"
"No, eat inside or away?"
"Yes I'm staying in London."
"EAT IN OR OUT?"
"Oh, in please."

This went on for a little while. I was getting more flustered by the minute. I could feel myself turning a beautiful shade of red (I'm pretty sure I was as red as the tomato in my baguette). The queue behind me was getting longer and longer and people were either snickering in amusement or angrily checking their watches. I was mortified.

Eventually I managed to get my baguette and drink, and sat down with Em. She asked me if it was easier for me if she faced me. I said yes, then I could read her lips. She asked if I would mind if she asked me some questions on what it's like being deaf and the cause of my deafness. I told her I was more than happy to talk about it - I prefer that people ask me questions instead of assuming things. I think she was dissapointed that my deafness is caused by nerve damage as opposed to brain damage (remember, we're on a brain anatomy course - so to have a live example of some sort of brain damage would have been fascinating). And before any of you say it - yes, I'm quite sure I'm not brain damaged!

After lunch we managed to get some seats quite close to the front, which made hearing him much easier and meant I could also read his lips some of the time. Luckily, there were no more incidents of any kind in the afternoon - the rest of the day ran smoothly.

Before I knew it, the day was over. It has really flown by. I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow. I'm also going to look for a different cafe - one where either the till is lower or the server is taller!

Deaf Girl

I want your blood

I'm currently waiting to watch TV, but my Dad is on the phone. Why is this stopping me from watching TV? He's decided to sit in the lounge to talk on the phone... out of the entire house, he chooses the lounge. The lounge being the only place where my bluetooth necklace works with the TV, hence the only place I can watch TV. I'm rolling my eyes and smiling as I type this. Typical Dad!

Anyway. I woke up this morning covered in mosquito bites. One must have bitten me and gone and told all its friends to join in as well. Luckily they're not itchy. If my Mum gets bitten, the bites turn into the size of a golf ball and apparently itch like crazy. My Dad just never gets bitten, or if he does it's only one bite and he has no reaction to it. I seem to have inherited Mum's frequency of being bitten, and Dad's lack of reaction to them. So all in all, not bad.

Since I've started to lose my hearing, I'm being bitten a lot more.

A hearing person would lie in bed and start to fall asleep. Then an annoying high-pitched buzzing sound would, annoyingly, wake them up. Maybe they would hunt around the room with a fly-squatter, or try and kill the mosquito with their hands or spray some bug spray. Either way, they would - hopefully - have gotten rid of the little nuisance.

Of course, I no longer hear any buzzing. Sure, I do when I'm wearing my hearing aids outside - hearing aids also seem to attract flies to land on the damn things! But when I'm in bed, I take my hearing aids out, meaning I hardly hear at all. Which means I don't notice mosquitos. The mosquitos must think it's their lucky day - finally, a source of food that doesn't chase them around the room trying to kill them.

Hmmm, I'm not sure I like being a free-for-all blood bank!

Deaf Girl

Sign language is not mime

Just a quick entry.

I am appalled by what is happening in Italy. The government is refusing to acknowledge that LIS (Italian Sign Language) is a real language. Instead the government is wanting to classify it as a subgenre of mime.

This is extremely insulting to the deaf community. It completely undermines a very complex language and undermines the community at large. It insults the history of sign language, and ignores the hardships that deaf people have had to go through. In most countries, at one point or another, signing was illegal. Deaf people have had to fight to be given fundamental rights and be taken seriously. If LIS isn't recognised as a language, it will have serious social, educational and political implications that will be damaging to the deaf community.

As Alison Bryan (a UK blogger) said; "Deaf people still need to fight to be listened to, without interference from those people who think they know what is best for them".

Sign of the times

I had a friend from highschool stay over for the last few days of university. I'll call her Peanut. It was great seeing her - hadn't seen her in over a year. And in that year she's started to learn BSL. Which I think is fantastic! I always get really excited and pleased when a hearing person learns BSL.

The day that Peanut arrived, my college at university was having a small music festival. Nothing big or fancy, just a chance for student bands to be heard. It gives everyone an excuse to just relax and have a drink (then again, we're students - no excuse is needed!). It was a lot of fun - I love listening to live music. The only problem is that I can't hear anything except the music. A spoken conversation is out of the question - my lip-reading isn't quite good enough to hold a long conversation.

On the other hand, I can hold a reasonably decent BSL conversation. Nothing deep or meaningful, but a decent conversation none-the-less. Usually there's just no one else around that can have a conversation in BSL. In comes Peanut. It didn't matter that I couldn't hear a word she was saying and that I wasn't focusing on lip-reading, we were signing away to each other. I could enjoy the music and have a conversation - it was fantastic!

At one point, the band that was playing took a little break between songs. It was at this time that all the conversation in the hall fell silent. Peanut and I were still signing away to each other. So the entire hall was silent. Until... 'Summer of 69' came blasting out. For a split second I wondered where on earth the music was coming from, as did everyone else in the room. Then I realised. It was my phone. With reddening cheeks, I fumbled in my bag to silence it (I was cursing the fact that I wasn't wearing my bluetooth necklace!). By this time everyone else had realised the music was coming from me, and a huge round of applause filled the room, along with some questioning looks 'wasn't she just signing? Isn't she deaf? How can she talk on the phone?' After what seemed like an age, I finally found my phone and answered it with a weak 'hi', which was met with a burst of laughter from everyone in the room. I think my face resembled that of a tomato. Then the band started playing again (they kindly waited for me to answer my phone before they started - which just made me more embarrassed and aware that every single eye in the hall was watching my every move).

The phone call, in case you're wondering, was a friend asking for a lift. So off Peanut and I went to pick them up. We then returned to my college to listen to some more music. At this point we decided to sign along to the music. Some people sing to it, we signed to it. The best song to sign to was definitely a cover of 'Bad Romance'. We got a few odd looks, but mostly people seemed amused by us signing the chorus. It's something I usually do to myself in clubs (like I said, some people sing, I sign), so sharing it with a friend was brilliant.

One thing Peanut and I did notice was the differences between our sign language. She lives down South, whereas I live up North. Just as there are different accents for different parts of Britain, there are different signs for different parts of Britain. Most of the signs are the same, there are just a few noticeable differences. Numbers being one of them. The differences weren't too big though - we had no problem understanding each other.

It was also great being able to sign to each other in the club later on in the evening and on the bar crawl the next night. Most of my hearing friends are pretty awesome in that they go above and beyond to make me feel included and to make sure that I'm not excluded too much because of my lack of hearing. I couldn't ask for a better bunch of friends. But sometimes I do feel like I'm asking too much from them, that my being deaf is a nuisance to them. (They've never done anything to make me feel this way - I'm just conscious of the fact that I don't want to be a burden to anyone). So being able to sign with a friend was just brilliant. Although I didn't want to sign too much as I didn't want to exclude all my non-signing friends. It was difficult - finally, I could hold a conversation without asking 'what?' every 5 minutes or just smiling like an idiot if I didn't hear something, but in doing so I excluded everyone else. I hope I didn't upset my non-signing hearing friends - if I did, I'm very sorry!

Seeing Peanut again was great fun - we had a lot of catching up to do. The fact that she could sign to me was an added bonus. Definitely looking forward to her next visit.

Deaf Girl

Au revoir

Last week was the leaving party for a good friend of mine, lets call her Frenchie. I will definitely miss her - university just won't be the same without Frenchie.

It was a good party. As Frenchie said herself; you can tell it's a good party when one or more people are either a) headfirst in the toilet and b) need to crash on the sofa. Both of which happened. It was definitely a terrific leaving party. Just hope Frenchie enjoyed herself as much as the rest of us did!

There was, however, one thing that did get on my nerves. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I got quite angry, which was probably an overreaction on my part. I did wonder whether to write about this or not. In the end I decided that this blog is here so hearing people can understand my world a bit, and this is part of that.

For most of the evening I was talking to two of my friends. Everything was fine. As the evening went on everyone was getting slightly more toxicated. My two friends then decided it would be funny to cover their mouths with their hands so I couldn't lip-read (remember, I rely on lip-reading at parties as there's too much background noise for my hearing aids to work properly). They then decided to whisper in my ear when I wasn't looking at them.

'Can you hear us?' 'What are we saying?' 'You can't hear us!!' 'This is funny.'

Hilarious.

I must admit, I did lose my temper and get angry. I know it wasn't meant in a nasty way, I know it was meant as a joke. I just couldn't take it like that. Especially when the 'joke' lasted around 5 minutes or so.

I imagine that you wouldn't go up to a blind person and say 'how many fingers am I holding up? Oh wait, you're blind, you can't see!' Or to someone that doesn't have any depth perception; 'try and grab my finger' and then proceed to move said finger. Or to someone in a wheelchair; 'let's run over there, oh wait, you can't, you're in a wheelchair!'

Perhaps I did overreact and shouldn't have gotten angry. Perhaps I should have taken it as a joke, as it was intended. I just couldn't. It just felt like something about me, a core part of me, was being mocked and ridiculed. Not only was I angry, I was also hurt and upset. It felt like I was being ridiculed and insulted for having a 'disability'.

They then made the comment 'oh, I bet we're going to read about this in her blog!' That's why it's taken me a week to write this entry, because I wasn't sure if I should or not. I know I did probably overreact and it shouldn't have affected me in the way it did. But it is something that affected me, so therefore, it needs to be in this blog.

Other than that, it was a great party. I made up with the friends concerned and we all enjoyed ourselves. I ended up sleeping over and crashing on a spare mattress on the floor in Frenchie's room.

I will miss Frenchie a lot. She's a great person and a wonderful friend - university just won't be the same without her.

Deaf Girl

Viva (fake) Vegas

It was the summer college ball at unviersity a few days ago. It's always a lot of fun - and this year was no exception. Dinner is served at around 7pm and breakfast is served at 5am, followed by the survivors' photo at 6am (the survivors' photo is for those that managed to make it to 6am without having a nap at any point in the evening). A very fun, but tiring event. It's taken me a good few days to completely recover. My poor body clock is still somewhat confused.

I had a fantastic time though - it was a lot of fun. First came the meal. I was sitting at the edge of the table, and one of my friends (thanks Mr. B!) kindly offered to trade places with me. That meant I was sitting in the middle which made reading lips a lot easier. There was a lot of noise at the meal as there were about 100+ students in the room. So I was relying very heavily on lip reading.

After the meal (which was quite nice) came the entertainment. We had our pictures taken and went to watch an Elvis Impersonater (not forgetting to claim our free glass of champagne, of course - have you ever heard of any student saying no to free alcohol?). I didn't think much of the impersonator... but that could be more to do with the fact that I couldn't really hear much, just a bunch of noise. I guess we'll never know whether that was because of my hearing, or it was just his failed attempt at singing... Perhaps it was a mixture of both. Suffice to say, I didn't feel a great loss when 'Elvis' (along with all the fat bulging over his far-too-tight trousers) finished his act.

Because the theme of the summer ball was 'Viva Las Vegas', there were a lot of options to gamble. (I would like to point out that the unversity doesn't endorse gambling and all the gambling done was with fake money). So of course I played my hand at the slots machine. Sadly, it was not my day. I was very relieved that it was fake money. Although it did remind me of my time in the real Las Vegas... (if you can't remember, read this entry). I was very pleased there wasn't a hottle room in sight.

There was also a Lady Gaga tribute act. I believe she was quite good, but I'm afraid I didn't watch much of it - mainly due to the fact that I couldn't hear much. There was also an unfortunate incident earlier on with the microphone that left my hearing aids making a horrible screeching noise in my ears. (If I wasn't deaf before - I sure am now!). So I didn't spend too much time out in the yard where the acts were performing, for fear of being attacked by the screeching again.

I was on the dancefloor at one point with CH1 (Crazy Housemate 1) and we were trying to talk to each other. As anyone that's been clubbing knows, talking on a dancefloor is difficult for a hearing person, but almost impossible for a HoH/deaf person. So she went to shout in my ear, but then remembered that that is useless. So she stood back and made sure I could read her lips instead.

It was a really good night. Mind you, at one point I did get to the stage where I was too tired to hear properly and too tired to read lips. That was interesting. I was enjoying myself and the atmosphere, but I couldn't make out a single word. I was just nodding and grinning like an idiot. I'm sure people thought I was drunk (when in all honesty, I'd only had two drinks the whole evening - including the free champagne).

When 6am (and the Survivors' photo) came along, I was thrilled. At this point I was dying for my bed. I'll probably end up staying up all night on Sunday evening as well, as it's the leaving party of one of my good friends at uni.

My body is going to hate me... but it's definitely worth it. You only live once and all that..!

Deaf Girl

Festivals

I've just come back from a long weekend at a festival. It was great - I had a lot of fun and saw some awesome bands perform. Unfortunately I had to leave early and didn't get to see one of my favourite bands perform, but apart from that, I had a great time.

Experiencing a festival as a deaf person is completely different than experiencing it as a hearing person. Although I'm classed as deaf, I do still have some hearing. So I can hear the music. However, even if I was completely deaf I would probably still go to festivals - I know plenty of profoundly deaf people that go to festivals. They may not hear the music, but they can feel it. Just because a person is deaf, doesn't mean we don't enjoy music. Profoundly deaf people just enjoy music in a different way than hearing people.

So I could hear the music, and thoroughly enjoyed it. But there was a lot of background noise, so hearing anything else was difficult. I relied a lot on lip reading - although this did get more difficult as the weekend wore on. When I'm tired it becomes harder to lip read. Ordering food from the stalls was interesting. If I got asked something, the chances were I didn't hear what they said, so I just smiled and nodded like an idiot.

The same went for talking with my friends. Some of the time I could hear them, some of the time I couldn't. Sometimes I just sat and enjoyed the atmosphere, not really caring that I couldn't quite hear what they were saying and it was too dark to lip-read. It was still fun. And there are only so many times you can say; 'what? What?'

I also decided not to go and stand amongst the crowds (i.e. standing as close to the stage as possible, being pushed about by everyone else trying to get as close as possible) or moshpit (where you push people and try and avoid getting punched). Instead I went on the viewing platform that is limited to disabled campers & their carers. Why didn't I choose to go the front of the stage? My hearing aids would have to come out and I'm not sure how safe they would be in my bag - all it would take is for someone to grab hold of it, for it to fall on to the ground and get trodden on and my hearing aids would be broken. And if something caught my ear - be it a fist, a bottle or anything else - and I ended up with a wound in or around my ear, I wouldn't be able to wear my hearing aids. They may seem like silly reasons, but when most of your friends & family are hearing and can't sign, talking is the only way to communicate with them.

What I also loved was that I was allowed to camp on the disabled campsite with a friend. I'm a big fan of the disabled campsite. It means I can park my car close to my tent (instead of walking for about 30 minutes carrying all the gear). The showers and toilets are also cleaned once a day - it's fantastic not having to hold your nose for fear of being suffocated by an ungodly stench. And the campsite is close to the arena. All things which are great.

The people you meet on the disabled campsite are great as well. In general, I would say that the people on the disabled campsire are more friendly and open and more willing to help in any way. (I have camped in the general camping area at festivals and found that the people in tents around you tend to stick to themselves). I find the atmosphere is more fun and you get to meet loads of people.

The only two downsides to the disabled campsite is that there's a curfew - meaning you can't bring in guests to the campsite after midnight (too bad if you've pulled someone and want to go back to your tent for a bit of privacy...) and it's a 20 minute walk to the village. The village is composed of different stalls, shops and entertainment and is pretty big. This is where most people go to after the last act has performed.

Whilst walking down to the village, I mostly kept quiet. Mainly due to the fact that there was a lot of background noise so I couldn't really hear anything, and there wasn't much light so I couldn't see to lip-read. I was walking down to the village with a bunch of people I had just met on the campsite. They were all talking and having a laugh together. I couldn't really join in, but I was enjoying the atmosphere nonetheless. I'm sure they must have thought that I was either being rude and not joining in the conversation, or that I was just extremely shy (the fact that I'm deaf hadn't come up in conversation yet). Although one guy (let's call him Bear) knew I was deaf. He waited until we got to a lit area on the path and then he started including me in the conversation - he knew the light meant I could lip-read. Definitely appreciated that.

There was also one major advantage to being deaf - when I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, I just needed to take my hearing aids out and there would be silence. No noise to keep me awake. Whereas I was aware that it wasn't always so easy for hearing people to get to sleep (unless of course they'd had a few drinks to help them!) That was a definite advantage. The disadvantage was that it took me a bit longer to wake up in the mornings as I didn't hear any noise to signify that people were getting up. But being able to sleep in silence is definitely an advantage and didn't leave me as tired as I might have been had I been hearing.

So, I had a great time. Am definitely glad to be home in my own bed now though. Camping is fun and all that, but it's nice to sleep in your own bed. Especially as there's no curfew in place! ;-P

Deaf Girl

Silence, exam in progress

Exams. I hate them. I despise them. Whoever invented them should be shot.

Right, with that little rant over, let me tell you a bit about the exam that I had today. If you discount the fact that it was a dreadful exam and very difficult, it was alright. It was definitely very useful to be deaf today.

I'm standing outside the room with about 15 other very nervous students. I'm in a small room as I'm allowed extra time for my exam. All the others in the room are also allowed extra time. It's nice not being in a big room with hundreds of other students.

Eventually we're allowed in the room. I sit at my allocated desk, get all my stuff ready. We're all sitting at our desk, twiddling our thumbs, waiting for the clock to hit 9.30am and we can start our exams. The seconds tick by. Finally, a voice booms through the room; "you may start your exam".

I'm reading my questions. A behind me guy coughs. I reread the question. He coughs again. I read it again and answer it.

On to the next question. The woman in front of me drops her pen on to the floor.

The next question. A guy to the left of me starts tapping his pen against the desk. Tap. Tap. Tap.

The next question. Tap. Tap. Tap.

The next question. The woman in front of me opens a sweet wrapper. Tap. Tap. Tap.

The exam invigilator whispers something to the guy behind me.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Question.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Okay. I'm about ready to stand up on my chair and shout; 'silence, please'! I'm ready to tear out my hair. I'm ready to make a scene.

And then... Then I think; you stupid, stupid woman! Just turn your hearing aids off! So I do. And...

Blissful silence.

I continue the rest of the exam in peace and quiet, not getting disturbed by anything or anyone. Fantastic. Or as fantastic as I could feel whilst taking this horrible exam.

Near the end of the exam the invigilator walks up to my desk with a piece of paper that says '15 minutes left'. I automatically sign back 'okay, thank you'. He gives me a strange look and then walks back to the front of the room. He obviously has information about me that says I'm deaf, as he's whispered to everyone else. So writing that note was really good of him. But he obviously didn't expect me to sign to him. Oh well.

I finish my exam with 5 minutes to spare and switch my hearing aids back on. The noise is deafening, if you'll excuse the pun. The guy next to me is still taping. Someone is blowing their nose. The airconditioning has been switched on and is very loud. Sweet wrappers are still being opened.

And I feel very lucky to be able to block out all the noise and live in silence for a while. And for a little moment, I actually feel sorry for all the other hearing people.

Ah, it's nice to be deaf.

Until next time,
Deaf Girl

Studying

My life has been taken over at the minute. By studying. I'm even dreaming about studying. That's how sad my life is at the minute; I'm living, breathing and eating studying. (Metaphorically that is - I'm not actually eating my study notes).

So of course, studying comes up in a lot of conversations I'm having at the minute. Apart from spouting random facts (did you know that the Hippocampus [part of the brain] is shaped like a seahores and deals with spatial memory and is located in the medial temporal lobe, posterior to the amygdala which is shaped like an almond and deals with the memory of objects and is located in the anterior temporal lobe? I'll forgive you if you've just suddenly fallen asleep). So, apart from spouting random facts like that at any person that is unlucky enough to talk to me at the minute, we also talk about revision tactics.

So my Mum and I were talking about different ways of studying. I'm very set in my ways and study using small cards with all my notes on them. Mum was suggesting other ways.

Mum: you could record yourself saying everything and then put it on your iPod (not that I have an iPod) and listen to it at night. You'll learn without even realising!
Dad: Hey, that's a great idea! You should definitely do that!

At first I thought they were joking. But they were deadly serious. I waited a couple of seconds, wanting them to come to the realisation as to why that wouldn't work. But nothing. I roll my eyes.

Me: I'm deaf.
*Embarrassed stares*

Moving swiftly on. Lip-reading class was good fun today. Although quite difficult as a) I was tired and b) we were learning the different shapes vowels make.

For those that don't know, vowels are very, very hard to lipread. Especially considering the different ways people pronounce vowels, depending on their accents. They are easy to hear but hard to read. Whereas consonants are easy to read. We were learning how to read the 'ai' sound. Such as 'hair', 'there', 'dare' etc. As English isn't a phonetic language, the same sound can be spellt in many different ways, as I just showed.

Luckily lip-reading is a lot easier to learn than English spelling - which I still get wrong years after learning it!

We were also talking about the way some people try and help you to read their lips, not realising that they are making it more difficult. To read lips, we need to see all of your mouth, so it's best to stand a couple of feet away from us and make sure you're not standing in darkness. A lot of people try and move closer thinking that is easier. After all - if a hearing person can't hear, you move closer to shout to them. If you can't see something, you move it closer to see it.

Not so with lip-reading. At least a couple of feet distance would be nice. And also proper pronounciationg - not mumbling.

Another thing we were also talking about was the way people react to being told that you're deaf/HoH. Some people start shouting. Shouting doesn't make a difference. In fact, it makes it harder, as the pitch of you shouting reacts to hearing aids and makes them ring in our ears. And whispering isn't good either. One person has a habit of whispering in someone's ear. Hearing aids just pick up a 'swishing' sound, not words.

A nice, clear voice is best.

Anyway. I feel I've spent too much time on this blog and have been ignoring my studies. Time to hit the books again. I just can't wait to read more about protanopia, deuteranopia and tritanopia (various forms of colour-blindness). Fantastic.

(Silently counting the days until the exams are over and my thoughts are no longer restricted to technical terms such as 'bilateral liasons' and 'myelination').

I want my life back...

Deaf Girl