Nerves

Last Thursday was the start of level 3 BSL.  It was horrific.  I hadn't signed in over 3 months and have forgotten so much.  It was made even worse by the fact that most of the other people there seemed to understand everything.  Bugger.

Like any language, if you don't practice - you forget.  The first hour of the class, I was extremely disheartened.  I was wondering if I should bother to continue - I'll never be fluent in it, I'll never be accepted in the Deaf community...  It took one of my friends telling me that she was considering just getting in her car and driving home during the break to make me realise that I need to stick it out.  I think I managed to convince my friend to stick it out as well.

The second part of the class went a lot better than the first.  I was understanding a lot more and felt more confident and determined.  It's going to take me years to be fluent in BSL.  I can't expect to be fluent in only a few years.

Level 3 is definitely harder than level 1 & 2, but for me, it's worth it.  After all, I may be completely deaf myself one day, so it's better that I learn the language now.  Level 3 is also different, in that I'm required to go to Deaf clubs and film myself signing.

I'm quite nervous about going to a Deaf club.  My signing is nowhere near up to par.  I'm worried that I won't fit in.  I might be completely deaf myself one day - but at the minute I still have some hearing, so I'm worried that I will be an outsider.

But, I just have to wait and see.  There's absolutely no point in worrying about how I might be treated.  At least I'm making the effort and learning this amazing language, and that has to count for something.  Right?

Deaf clubbing

It's been quite a while since I posted an entry here.  There's so much I could write; how I thought the Olympic & Paralympic opening & closing ceremonies were great - especially as they included the d/Deaf, in the form of kids signing to a song.  How I went on camping trip with some friends, and they were very considerate in playing music quietly so that it didn't interfere with my hearing aids.  How happy I am that people are asking me questions about being deaf.  How I passed my BSL exam and have now enrolled on to the next level - BSL level 3.

Yes, there's a lot I could write about.  But instead, I'm going to show you this comic from Girls With Slingshots, which I just love!

Deaf Teens: Hearing World

I'm watching a documentary that my parents recorded for me a while back. It's called "Deaf Teens: Hearing World". It follows a few d/Deaf teenagers around as they live their lives.

One of them, born to a deaf family, is having a cochlear implant before she goes to university.
Another, born to a hearing family, goes to a deaf school where the emphasis is on learning to lip-read and speak. So much so that using BSL is forbidden in class.
Another one is born to a Deaf family and is completely comfortable with who she is.
Another one was born to a hearing family, where they view his deafness as a disability and there is a sort of pity surrounding him.

The one that goes to a deaf boarding school has just been told off for not wearing her hearing aids. I'm amazed parents would send their child to a school like that. By doing that, they are teaching her that it is wrong to be deaf. They are teaching her that she should hide a part of her.

I don't deny that learning to lip-read is a good thing. I am learning to lip-read, it does help to get by in the hearing world. But this school is completely isolating these kids from the Deaf community. They went these kids to become a part of the hearing world, but these kids will always feel like they're on the edge of it, that they're not really part of it. And by telling them they can't use BSL, they are preventing them from becoming a part of the Deaf world.

To me, this is wrong.

I can relate to some of it as well. One of the girls has just gone to university. This is what she said:

"It's really hard trying to understand what people are saying, because obviously each person has a different lip pattern and the way the pronounce things, maybe because of their accent. It gets to a point where I just sort of give up and let myself sink back into the background and watch their lips move and not understand what they're saying."

Lip-reading is extremely difficult. Every person's lips move slightly differently when they speak - depending on their accent and on them as a person. So you have to be able to take that into account and focus all your energy on it. Which isn't so bad if you're talking to them one-on-one, but if you're in a group and everyone has a different accent, it gets extremely difficult and tiring. The easiest thing to do is to just sink back and become an observer. That's why when I'm at a party or in a group social situation, I prefer talking to only one or two people. Group discussions are a nightmare.

They also talk about hearing aids. When you're d/Deaf, you're used to silence. If you're then put in a situation which is extremely noisy, it's uncomfortable. When you're d/Deaf, you're not used to noise, it's not what is normal to you. You wear the hearing aids so you can function in the hearing world. Right now, I'm home alone and I'm not wearing hearing aids. I'm writing this blog and watching the documentary. When I'm writing in here, I pause the documentary, as I can't read the subtitles whilst I'm writing in here.

It's nice to go back to the quiet. I don't enjoy wearing my hearing aids. Yes, it's nice to hear the birds sing and to be able to hear people. But when I don't need to hear, I will take them out. If a programme that I'm watching has subtitles, I don't need to hear it. If I'm alone in the house, there's nothing that I need to hear. Even though I grew up in the hearing world and for the first 18 years of my life I was hearing, I'm not anymore. I'm not really part of the Deaf world either, I'm inbetween the two. Yes, I grew up hearing, but I am now deaf. I don't need to hear noise all the time. It gives me a headache.

There are so many attitudes to deafness and deaf people. Even within the Deaf community, there are so many attitudes and opinions. So many of us are self-conscious. Uncomfortable with who we are. Desperately trying to fit in to a world that, as a whole, is not accepting of us, is uncomfortable around us.

Like the deaf school that gives detention if you use BSL. It can be difficult to find your way in the world. Especially if you're trying to figure out which world you belong in - the hearing or the Deaf. But at the end of the day, you should never be made to feel ashamed of yourself. You should never be made to feel like you are sub-human because you are not part of the hearing world. There is nothing wrong with being d/Deaf, just like there is nothing wrong with being hearing.

But that deaf school... that's really got me going. I remember what it was like being a teenager (oh so many years ago!). For most of my teenage years I was hearing. It was difficult trying to work out who I was. Then when I started to lose my hearing, it became even more difficult. Suddenly I realised that there's more than one world, but that the other world is largely invisible to hearing people. Luckily I had great friends and family that supported me as I explored this new world that I had just been thrown in to. I was never made to feel like this new world was in any way inferior to the one that I had grown up in, nor was it in any way superior. It was just different. But for this school to take children that are trying to find themselves, trying to work out who they are and trying to overcome insecurities and tell them that the world that they are born in to is a lesser world and that they should work at getting by in the hearing world which will never fully accept them...

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I think that is horrendous.

I am deaf. I am intelligent. I have a sense of humour. I am stubborn. I am not ashamed of who I am. No one should be ashamed of who they are.

The documentary finishes after it's done a piece about Sencity. It's a nightclub in that is specifically for the d/Deaf. It was filmed on the opening night and it looks amazing! It's desrcibed as an attack on the senses and it looks fantastic. I would love to go! They have a vibrating dance floor so that you can feel the beat of the music. To every track they play they have insence to match the mood of the music...

It looks amazing. I've just had a look at their website and this is what they offer:

aromajockey » smell the senses
sensefloor » feel the music vibrating through your body
signdancers » watch the lyrics and emotion of the songs
foodjockey » taste the different emotions
visual jockey » watch inspiring images
light jockey » enter a new world of colours
feel the music suit » feel the music vibrating through your body
dancers » get excited about their body language
hairdressers » make your hair look kinky
massage » find a moment of rest at the party
visagie » a new face or an extreme make-up?

That is one place that I definitely want to go to. A place that celebrates who you are and doesn't try and make you into someone or something you're not. Amazing.

Daily Mail

Yesterday the Daily Mail posted an article entitled "Deaf and dumb girl tells of UK 'slave' ordeal".

My BSL tutor is furious about it, as am I. The term 'deaf and dumb' is a hugely offence and out-of-date term to describe those with hearing impairments. By using that term, it implies that d/Deaf people are not intellectual, that we suffer from a form of mental retardation. It implies that because our hearing is not perfect, we aren't intelligent.

Deaf does not equal dumb.

As a whole, we are not stupid. We are just as intelligent as a hearing person - being d/Deaf has nothing to do with intelligence. Using that term takes us right back to the old days when Deaf people were ostracised, when we were hidden away and were the black sheep of the family - an embarrassment. Deaf and dumb was a term used to describe idiots. It's extremely derogatory.

Obviously, the media still uses this term - which only hinders the fight for d/Deaf rights and the recognisition of BSL as a language. It implies that our Deaf culture and Deaf community do not count for anything - that we are second class citizens, that we are idiots. It is appalling that this degrading term is still being used by the media.

I am Deaf. I am also a university student. I graduated from school with high marks. I am not dumb.

Yet by using that term, the Daily Mail claims that, because most d/Deaf people don't speak English, we are less intellectual than our hearing counterparts - indeed, we are stupid.

Our ears don't work as yours do - but our brains are just fine, thank you very much.

I am writing a letter of complaint to the Daily Mail - it would be great if you could as well.

Deaf Girl

Capitalisation of the D

A friend of mine has recently had an article published in our online student newspaper. The article (which you should read here), is about Sign Language and people's reaction to it. The comments that it received got me thinking.

Most people don't realise that there's a differnce between 'Deaf' and 'deaf'. The capitalisation of the 'd' is important in the Deaf culture. Most deaf people, prefer being called Deaf, not deaf. Deaf, with a capital, refers to the Deaf culture, whereas deaf without the capital refers to being hearing impaired.

Deaf culture is a vital part of BSL. Deaf culture is thriving. Many hearing people don't realise this, as it's very rare that they're involved in Deaf culture. But this culture has been thriving for years and there's a big sense of community. Even when teaching BSL was illegal, the Deaf culture lived on, avoiding the law and teaching their kids not only BSL, but everything that comes with being Deaf.

You can be deaf, without being Deaf. At the minute, I'm deaf, as I'm not fully immersed in Deaf culture. Likewise, you can also be Deaf, without being deaf. For example, a hearing child brought up by one or more Deaf parents is usually fully involved in the Deaf community, even though they are hearing.

When referring to any sort of culture, you would normally capitalise the first letter (ie. British community, French culture etc), and it is exactly the same with the Deaf community.

Me

I'm right here!

Sometimes I think it must be difficult for my friends and family to adapt to my deafness. Most are happy to adapt and do so without complaint. However, a few sometimes let it be known that it's quite a hassle. It does sometimes leave me feeling as if I'm purposefully putting people out by having a disability. Shame on me. It is difficult sometimes to not feel like a burden.

However, I'm aware that it is difficult to change and to adapt. Most of my friends at university have only ever known me as deaf, so for them it's not too difficult. However, for those that have known me for a long time, it can be very difficult to adjust. For most of my relationship with them, I have been hearing. It is then difficult to change a lifetime of behaviour and adjust to new behaviours.

I'm aware it's difficult. I know it's difficult - it's difficult for me as well. I do have to admit though, that it does sometimes hurt. For instance, if I say I'm taking my hearing aids out and won't be able to hear you (unless you're facing me and I can lip read), talking to my back is not only useless but also slightly hurtful. It makes me think 'do I mean so little to you that you don't take in what I tell you about my disability?' It's common for people to forget, I understand that. But it can hurt - it can feel like you haven't even crossed their mind.

Luckily, this doesn't happen too often.

Something which does occur quite often, however, is people talking about me to my family - when I'm sitting right there!

To my Dad: 'Oh, so she's deaf?'
Me: 'Yes'
A quick glance at me, turning back to my Dad: 'But she can hear sometimes?'
Me: 'Yes'
Ignoring me, asking Dad again: 'So how does that work?'
Me: 'Without my hearing aids I can't hear. With them, I can mostly hear okay.'
Looking at me thoughtfully, then turning back to Dad: 'So do you sign to her to communicate?'

Uhm... Hello? I thought I was meant to be the deaf one, not you. What, have I suddenly become invisible? I'm sitting right here! I'm deaf, not dumb. IQ points aren't linked to hearing - just because I'm losing my hearing, doesn't mean my IQ is rapidly falling. You can have an intelligent conversation with me you know. I know, it's shocking - people with disabilities can be intelligent. Shock, horror!

Deaf Girl

"Eat in or out?" "Get it out where?"

I'm currently on a 3 day brain anatomy course. I love it. It's not been without it's incidents though...

Let's ignore my clumsiness (last night whilst out for dinner with a friend I managed to knock a bottle of vinegar off a table bringing it crashing to the floor and exploding everywhere and today I managed to drop my cup of coffee on the floor, great start to the day!). I'm the type of person that will trip over a matchstick - it's incredible how clumsy I am.

Let's ignore that part though. So I'm sitting in the reception of this course, in a room filled with 100 strangers. Slightly daunting, but not too bad; after all, we're all here for the same reason - to learn about the brain. I get chatting to a woman next to me who seems nice. She asks me if I want to go out for a smoke. I politely decline, saying I've given up smoking (46 days now!). She asks me again.

"Are you sure?"
"Yes, thanks. I don't smoke anymore."
"It's been so long now - if you have one now that first inhalation will be amazing."
"I know, it's okay though, it's healthier not smoking."
"Are you sure? You can always stand next to me and I'll breath the smoke on you."

Wow what an amazing offer. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to be breathed on by a complete stranger? Geez, what is up with this woman? I hope I was never so obnoxious or pushy when I was a smoker. Anyway, I thought it was HoH/deaf people that kept repeating themselves, not some random hearing Yorkshire woman. She eventually gave up and went outside to smoke, alone.

Then I started chatting with another woman. This one was actually sane and didn't want to exhale all over me. We chatted and sat next to each other in the lecture theatre, both giving our full attention to the lecturer. (As a side note - this lecture was completely different to a university lecture, in that no one was whispering to each other, we were all here for the same reason and 100% focused on what he was saying).

Unfortunately by the time we had registered and entered the lecture hall, it was almost full so we had to sit right at the back. This meant I had to really focus and strain to hear him. This was made even more difficult by a man sitting two rows in front of me - he seemed to have extremely sensitive hearing and complained that the microphone was too loud.

The lecturer (I'll call him PJ from now on) said he would turn the microphone down. My heart sank - there was no way I would be able to hear him if he turned it down, it was a struggle as it was. Luckily, a couple of other people shouted out 'no' as well. I felt for the poor guy - he had super sensitive hearing but was in a room with a deaf girl.

So we're all sitting there, paying attention. I'm literally on the edge of my seat; I'm that enthralled by what he's saying (yes, I realise that makes me a nerd - I don't care, I was in my element). Suddenly;

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP

I almost jump a foot in the air off my seat. I actually grabbed the table in front of me. What the hell is that noise?!

For about two minutes there's a horrible, loud continuous screeching sound. The poor guy with sensitive hearing was almost doubled over in pain. My hearing aids were screaming in my ear and giving me feedback on top of the screeching sound, so I quickly turned them off. Even with them switched off I could still hear a faint sound - which will tell you how loud it was!

Then just as suddenly as it started; it stopped. We never did find out what it was. We all looked at each other in confusion, then continued with the lecture.

At lunch time Em (the sane woman) and I go for lunch at a little cafe around the corner. That was interesting. I go up to the woman and ask her for a baguette. She's absolutely tiny and has some sort of accent. Why does her height matter? Because her mouth was bellow the counter so I couldn't lipread. Her accent also made it more difficult to hear her.

From what Em later told me, the conversation went something like this:

"Would you like that toasted?"
"A white baguette please."
"Toasted or cold?"
"A few days old? What do you mean?"
"TOASTED or COLD?"
"Oh, cold please. Can I have an ice tea as well?"
"Eat in or out?"
"I have to get it out? Where?"
"No, eat inside or away?"
"Yes I'm staying in London."
"EAT IN OR OUT?"
"Oh, in please."

This went on for a little while. I was getting more flustered by the minute. I could feel myself turning a beautiful shade of red (I'm pretty sure I was as red as the tomato in my baguette). The queue behind me was getting longer and longer and people were either snickering in amusement or angrily checking their watches. I was mortified.

Eventually I managed to get my baguette and drink, and sat down with Em. She asked me if it was easier for me if she faced me. I said yes, then I could read her lips. She asked if I would mind if she asked me some questions on what it's like being deaf and the cause of my deafness. I told her I was more than happy to talk about it - I prefer that people ask me questions instead of assuming things. I think she was dissapointed that my deafness is caused by nerve damage as opposed to brain damage (remember, we're on a brain anatomy course - so to have a live example of some sort of brain damage would have been fascinating). And before any of you say it - yes, I'm quite sure I'm not brain damaged!

After lunch we managed to get some seats quite close to the front, which made hearing him much easier and meant I could also read his lips some of the time. Luckily, there were no more incidents of any kind in the afternoon - the rest of the day ran smoothly.

Before I knew it, the day was over. It has really flown by. I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow. I'm also going to look for a different cafe - one where either the till is lower or the server is taller!

Deaf Girl

Sign language is not mime

Just a quick entry.

I am appalled by what is happening in Italy. The government is refusing to acknowledge that LIS (Italian Sign Language) is a real language. Instead the government is wanting to classify it as a subgenre of mime.

This is extremely insulting to the deaf community. It completely undermines a very complex language and undermines the community at large. It insults the history of sign language, and ignores the hardships that deaf people have had to go through. In most countries, at one point or another, signing was illegal. Deaf people have had to fight to be given fundamental rights and be taken seriously. If LIS isn't recognised as a language, it will have serious social, educational and political implications that will be damaging to the deaf community.

As Alison Bryan (a UK blogger) said; "Deaf people still need to fight to be listened to, without interference from those people who think they know what is best for them".

Sign of the times

I had a friend from highschool stay over for the last few days of university. I'll call her Peanut. It was great seeing her - hadn't seen her in over a year. And in that year she's started to learn BSL. Which I think is fantastic! I always get really excited and pleased when a hearing person learns BSL.

The day that Peanut arrived, my college at university was having a small music festival. Nothing big or fancy, just a chance for student bands to be heard. It gives everyone an excuse to just relax and have a drink (then again, we're students - no excuse is needed!). It was a lot of fun - I love listening to live music. The only problem is that I can't hear anything except the music. A spoken conversation is out of the question - my lip-reading isn't quite good enough to hold a long conversation.

On the other hand, I can hold a reasonably decent BSL conversation. Nothing deep or meaningful, but a decent conversation none-the-less. Usually there's just no one else around that can have a conversation in BSL. In comes Peanut. It didn't matter that I couldn't hear a word she was saying and that I wasn't focusing on lip-reading, we were signing away to each other. I could enjoy the music and have a conversation - it was fantastic!

At one point, the band that was playing took a little break between songs. It was at this time that all the conversation in the hall fell silent. Peanut and I were still signing away to each other. So the entire hall was silent. Until... 'Summer of 69' came blasting out. For a split second I wondered where on earth the music was coming from, as did everyone else in the room. Then I realised. It was my phone. With reddening cheeks, I fumbled in my bag to silence it (I was cursing the fact that I wasn't wearing my bluetooth necklace!). By this time everyone else had realised the music was coming from me, and a huge round of applause filled the room, along with some questioning looks 'wasn't she just signing? Isn't she deaf? How can she talk on the phone?' After what seemed like an age, I finally found my phone and answered it with a weak 'hi', which was met with a burst of laughter from everyone in the room. I think my face resembled that of a tomato. Then the band started playing again (they kindly waited for me to answer my phone before they started - which just made me more embarrassed and aware that every single eye in the hall was watching my every move).

The phone call, in case you're wondering, was a friend asking for a lift. So off Peanut and I went to pick them up. We then returned to my college to listen to some more music. At this point we decided to sign along to the music. Some people sing to it, we signed to it. The best song to sign to was definitely a cover of 'Bad Romance'. We got a few odd looks, but mostly people seemed amused by us signing the chorus. It's something I usually do to myself in clubs (like I said, some people sing, I sign), so sharing it with a friend was brilliant.

One thing Peanut and I did notice was the differences between our sign language. She lives down South, whereas I live up North. Just as there are different accents for different parts of Britain, there are different signs for different parts of Britain. Most of the signs are the same, there are just a few noticeable differences. Numbers being one of them. The differences weren't too big though - we had no problem understanding each other.

It was also great being able to sign to each other in the club later on in the evening and on the bar crawl the next night. Most of my hearing friends are pretty awesome in that they go above and beyond to make me feel included and to make sure that I'm not excluded too much because of my lack of hearing. I couldn't ask for a better bunch of friends. But sometimes I do feel like I'm asking too much from them, that my being deaf is a nuisance to them. (They've never done anything to make me feel this way - I'm just conscious of the fact that I don't want to be a burden to anyone). So being able to sign with a friend was just brilliant. Although I didn't want to sign too much as I didn't want to exclude all my non-signing friends. It was difficult - finally, I could hold a conversation without asking 'what?' every 5 minutes or just smiling like an idiot if I didn't hear something, but in doing so I excluded everyone else. I hope I didn't upset my non-signing hearing friends - if I did, I'm very sorry!

Seeing Peanut again was great fun - we had a lot of catching up to do. The fact that she could sign to me was an added bonus. Definitely looking forward to her next visit.

Deaf Girl

Au revoir

Last week was the leaving party for a good friend of mine, lets call her Frenchie. I will definitely miss her - university just won't be the same without Frenchie.

It was a good party. As Frenchie said herself; you can tell it's a good party when one or more people are either a) headfirst in the toilet and b) need to crash on the sofa. Both of which happened. It was definitely a terrific leaving party. Just hope Frenchie enjoyed herself as much as the rest of us did!

There was, however, one thing that did get on my nerves. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I got quite angry, which was probably an overreaction on my part. I did wonder whether to write about this or not. In the end I decided that this blog is here so hearing people can understand my world a bit, and this is part of that.

For most of the evening I was talking to two of my friends. Everything was fine. As the evening went on everyone was getting slightly more toxicated. My two friends then decided it would be funny to cover their mouths with their hands so I couldn't lip-read (remember, I rely on lip-reading at parties as there's too much background noise for my hearing aids to work properly). They then decided to whisper in my ear when I wasn't looking at them.

'Can you hear us?' 'What are we saying?' 'You can't hear us!!' 'This is funny.'

Hilarious.

I must admit, I did lose my temper and get angry. I know it wasn't meant in a nasty way, I know it was meant as a joke. I just couldn't take it like that. Especially when the 'joke' lasted around 5 minutes or so.

I imagine that you wouldn't go up to a blind person and say 'how many fingers am I holding up? Oh wait, you're blind, you can't see!' Or to someone that doesn't have any depth perception; 'try and grab my finger' and then proceed to move said finger. Or to someone in a wheelchair; 'let's run over there, oh wait, you can't, you're in a wheelchair!'

Perhaps I did overreact and shouldn't have gotten angry. Perhaps I should have taken it as a joke, as it was intended. I just couldn't. It just felt like something about me, a core part of me, was being mocked and ridiculed. Not only was I angry, I was also hurt and upset. It felt like I was being ridiculed and insulted for having a 'disability'.

They then made the comment 'oh, I bet we're going to read about this in her blog!' That's why it's taken me a week to write this entry, because I wasn't sure if I should or not. I know I did probably overreact and it shouldn't have affected me in the way it did. But it is something that affected me, so therefore, it needs to be in this blog.

Other than that, it was a great party. I made up with the friends concerned and we all enjoyed ourselves. I ended up sleeping over and crashing on a spare mattress on the floor in Frenchie's room.

I will miss Frenchie a lot. She's a great person and a wonderful friend - university just won't be the same without her.

Deaf Girl

Viva (fake) Vegas

It was the summer college ball at unviersity a few days ago. It's always a lot of fun - and this year was no exception. Dinner is served at around 7pm and breakfast is served at 5am, followed by the survivors' photo at 6am (the survivors' photo is for those that managed to make it to 6am without having a nap at any point in the evening). A very fun, but tiring event. It's taken me a good few days to completely recover. My poor body clock is still somewhat confused.

I had a fantastic time though - it was a lot of fun. First came the meal. I was sitting at the edge of the table, and one of my friends (thanks Mr. B!) kindly offered to trade places with me. That meant I was sitting in the middle which made reading lips a lot easier. There was a lot of noise at the meal as there were about 100+ students in the room. So I was relying very heavily on lip reading.

After the meal (which was quite nice) came the entertainment. We had our pictures taken and went to watch an Elvis Impersonater (not forgetting to claim our free glass of champagne, of course - have you ever heard of any student saying no to free alcohol?). I didn't think much of the impersonator... but that could be more to do with the fact that I couldn't really hear much, just a bunch of noise. I guess we'll never know whether that was because of my hearing, or it was just his failed attempt at singing... Perhaps it was a mixture of both. Suffice to say, I didn't feel a great loss when 'Elvis' (along with all the fat bulging over his far-too-tight trousers) finished his act.

Because the theme of the summer ball was 'Viva Las Vegas', there were a lot of options to gamble. (I would like to point out that the unversity doesn't endorse gambling and all the gambling done was with fake money). So of course I played my hand at the slots machine. Sadly, it was not my day. I was very relieved that it was fake money. Although it did remind me of my time in the real Las Vegas... (if you can't remember, read this entry). I was very pleased there wasn't a hottle room in sight.

There was also a Lady Gaga tribute act. I believe she was quite good, but I'm afraid I didn't watch much of it - mainly due to the fact that I couldn't hear much. There was also an unfortunate incident earlier on with the microphone that left my hearing aids making a horrible screeching noise in my ears. (If I wasn't deaf before - I sure am now!). So I didn't spend too much time out in the yard where the acts were performing, for fear of being attacked by the screeching again.

I was on the dancefloor at one point with CH1 (Crazy Housemate 1) and we were trying to talk to each other. As anyone that's been clubbing knows, talking on a dancefloor is difficult for a hearing person, but almost impossible for a HoH/deaf person. So she went to shout in my ear, but then remembered that that is useless. So she stood back and made sure I could read her lips instead.

It was a really good night. Mind you, at one point I did get to the stage where I was too tired to hear properly and too tired to read lips. That was interesting. I was enjoying myself and the atmosphere, but I couldn't make out a single word. I was just nodding and grinning like an idiot. I'm sure people thought I was drunk (when in all honesty, I'd only had two drinks the whole evening - including the free champagne).

When 6am (and the Survivors' photo) came along, I was thrilled. At this point I was dying for my bed. I'll probably end up staying up all night on Sunday evening as well, as it's the leaving party of one of my good friends at uni.

My body is going to hate me... but it's definitely worth it. You only live once and all that..!

Deaf Girl

Festivals

I've just come back from a long weekend at a festival. It was great - I had a lot of fun and saw some awesome bands perform. Unfortunately I had to leave early and didn't get to see one of my favourite bands perform, but apart from that, I had a great time.

Experiencing a festival as a deaf person is completely different than experiencing it as a hearing person. Although I'm classed as deaf, I do still have some hearing. So I can hear the music. However, even if I was completely deaf I would probably still go to festivals - I know plenty of profoundly deaf people that go to festivals. They may not hear the music, but they can feel it. Just because a person is deaf, doesn't mean we don't enjoy music. Profoundly deaf people just enjoy music in a different way than hearing people.

So I could hear the music, and thoroughly enjoyed it. But there was a lot of background noise, so hearing anything else was difficult. I relied a lot on lip reading - although this did get more difficult as the weekend wore on. When I'm tired it becomes harder to lip read. Ordering food from the stalls was interesting. If I got asked something, the chances were I didn't hear what they said, so I just smiled and nodded like an idiot.

The same went for talking with my friends. Some of the time I could hear them, some of the time I couldn't. Sometimes I just sat and enjoyed the atmosphere, not really caring that I couldn't quite hear what they were saying and it was too dark to lip-read. It was still fun. And there are only so many times you can say; 'what? What?'

I also decided not to go and stand amongst the crowds (i.e. standing as close to the stage as possible, being pushed about by everyone else trying to get as close as possible) or moshpit (where you push people and try and avoid getting punched). Instead I went on the viewing platform that is limited to disabled campers & their carers. Why didn't I choose to go the front of the stage? My hearing aids would have to come out and I'm not sure how safe they would be in my bag - all it would take is for someone to grab hold of it, for it to fall on to the ground and get trodden on and my hearing aids would be broken. And if something caught my ear - be it a fist, a bottle or anything else - and I ended up with a wound in or around my ear, I wouldn't be able to wear my hearing aids. They may seem like silly reasons, but when most of your friends & family are hearing and can't sign, talking is the only way to communicate with them.

What I also loved was that I was allowed to camp on the disabled campsite with a friend. I'm a big fan of the disabled campsite. It means I can park my car close to my tent (instead of walking for about 30 minutes carrying all the gear). The showers and toilets are also cleaned once a day - it's fantastic not having to hold your nose for fear of being suffocated by an ungodly stench. And the campsite is close to the arena. All things which are great.

The people you meet on the disabled campsite are great as well. In general, I would say that the people on the disabled campsire are more friendly and open and more willing to help in any way. (I have camped in the general camping area at festivals and found that the people in tents around you tend to stick to themselves). I find the atmosphere is more fun and you get to meet loads of people.

The only two downsides to the disabled campsite is that there's a curfew - meaning you can't bring in guests to the campsite after midnight (too bad if you've pulled someone and want to go back to your tent for a bit of privacy...) and it's a 20 minute walk to the village. The village is composed of different stalls, shops and entertainment and is pretty big. This is where most people go to after the last act has performed.

Whilst walking down to the village, I mostly kept quiet. Mainly due to the fact that there was a lot of background noise so I couldn't really hear anything, and there wasn't much light so I couldn't see to lip-read. I was walking down to the village with a bunch of people I had just met on the campsite. They were all talking and having a laugh together. I couldn't really join in, but I was enjoying the atmosphere nonetheless. I'm sure they must have thought that I was either being rude and not joining in the conversation, or that I was just extremely shy (the fact that I'm deaf hadn't come up in conversation yet). Although one guy (let's call him Bear) knew I was deaf. He waited until we got to a lit area on the path and then he started including me in the conversation - he knew the light meant I could lip-read. Definitely appreciated that.

There was also one major advantage to being deaf - when I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, I just needed to take my hearing aids out and there would be silence. No noise to keep me awake. Whereas I was aware that it wasn't always so easy for hearing people to get to sleep (unless of course they'd had a few drinks to help them!) That was a definite advantage. The disadvantage was that it took me a bit longer to wake up in the mornings as I didn't hear any noise to signify that people were getting up. But being able to sleep in silence is definitely an advantage and didn't leave me as tired as I might have been had I been hearing.

So, I had a great time. Am definitely glad to be home in my own bed now though. Camping is fun and all that, but it's nice to sleep in your own bed. Especially as there's no curfew in place! ;-P

Deaf Girl

Studying

My life has been taken over at the minute. By studying. I'm even dreaming about studying. That's how sad my life is at the minute; I'm living, breathing and eating studying. (Metaphorically that is - I'm not actually eating my study notes).

So of course, studying comes up in a lot of conversations I'm having at the minute. Apart from spouting random facts (did you know that the Hippocampus [part of the brain] is shaped like a seahores and deals with spatial memory and is located in the medial temporal lobe, posterior to the amygdala which is shaped like an almond and deals with the memory of objects and is located in the anterior temporal lobe? I'll forgive you if you've just suddenly fallen asleep). So, apart from spouting random facts like that at any person that is unlucky enough to talk to me at the minute, we also talk about revision tactics.

So my Mum and I were talking about different ways of studying. I'm very set in my ways and study using small cards with all my notes on them. Mum was suggesting other ways.

Mum: you could record yourself saying everything and then put it on your iPod (not that I have an iPod) and listen to it at night. You'll learn without even realising!
Dad: Hey, that's a great idea! You should definitely do that!

At first I thought they were joking. But they were deadly serious. I waited a couple of seconds, wanting them to come to the realisation as to why that wouldn't work. But nothing. I roll my eyes.

Me: I'm deaf.
*Embarrassed stares*

Moving swiftly on. Lip-reading class was good fun today. Although quite difficult as a) I was tired and b) we were learning the different shapes vowels make.

For those that don't know, vowels are very, very hard to lipread. Especially considering the different ways people pronounce vowels, depending on their accents. They are easy to hear but hard to read. Whereas consonants are easy to read. We were learning how to read the 'ai' sound. Such as 'hair', 'there', 'dare' etc. As English isn't a phonetic language, the same sound can be spellt in many different ways, as I just showed.

Luckily lip-reading is a lot easier to learn than English spelling - which I still get wrong years after learning it!

We were also talking about the way some people try and help you to read their lips, not realising that they are making it more difficult. To read lips, we need to see all of your mouth, so it's best to stand a couple of feet away from us and make sure you're not standing in darkness. A lot of people try and move closer thinking that is easier. After all - if a hearing person can't hear, you move closer to shout to them. If you can't see something, you move it closer to see it.

Not so with lip-reading. At least a couple of feet distance would be nice. And also proper pronounciationg - not mumbling.

Another thing we were also talking about was the way people react to being told that you're deaf/HoH. Some people start shouting. Shouting doesn't make a difference. In fact, it makes it harder, as the pitch of you shouting reacts to hearing aids and makes them ring in our ears. And whispering isn't good either. One person has a habit of whispering in someone's ear. Hearing aids just pick up a 'swishing' sound, not words.

A nice, clear voice is best.

Anyway. I feel I've spent too much time on this blog and have been ignoring my studies. Time to hit the books again. I just can't wait to read more about protanopia, deuteranopia and tritanopia (various forms of colour-blindness). Fantastic.

(Silently counting the days until the exams are over and my thoughts are no longer restricted to technical terms such as 'bilateral liasons' and 'myelination').

I want my life back...

Deaf Girl

The towel!

I was in my room yesterday, getting ready for bed. I had already taken out one hearing aid, and was about to take out my other one, when I heard my Dad call me from the kitchen. I put my other hearing aid back in and shout back.

'What did you say?'
'The towel!'
'What towel?' - me, confused.
'Where does it go?'
'What towel?' - me, even more confused.
'The towel!'
*Silence as I try, in my tired state, to grasp what he's talking about. Then I realise - the towel that had been washed, where does it go.
'In the cupboard by the stairs!' me - relieved I can now take out my hearing aids and go to sleep.
'No, the towel!'
'Yes, in the cupboard by the stairs!' me - slightly annoyed now. I want my sleep!
'No, the towel, where does it go?!'
'Cupboard by the stairs!' - me, getting very frustrated.
'Towel!'
'Cupboard! Stairs!' me - exasperated.
'Towel!!'
'Stairs! Cupboard!!'
'WHAT?!'
'THE CUPBOARD! STAIRS!' me - practically screaming my head off by this point.

And finally... finally, he hears me, shouting back something along the lines of 'well why didn't you say so?'. I roll my eyes as I go to sleep. He's not deaf, of course, nor does he have a hearing problem of any sort. Yeh, and I've just seen a flying pig...!

Deaf Girl

Vroom vroom

I had a nice day out yesterday with my Dad. I had a break from studying, so we thought we should go out - get rid of all those cobwebs in my head and really relax. We're both members of the National Trust, so thought we'd have a look and explore of places the National Trust recomends that is local to us.

We had a lovely day out and saw plenty of wildlife as well - red squirrels, pheasants, blue tits, bullfinches, greenfinches and plenty more. It was a really nice day.

If you don't count the fact that I was almost run over by a car.

Well, that's hugely exaggerating it. Perhaps what would be more apt is that I was a royal nuisance to the driver of this car because I would not get out of his way, instead I insisted on going on my merry way completely ignoring the car behind me. What a rude person - walking in the middle of a car park and not moving out of the way for a car to get past me.

Except, I'm not being rude - I just don't hear cars, even with my hearing aids in. If a car is going slowly, it makes so little noise - I don't hear its engine, I don't hear the sound it makes as the tires move over gravel or on the road. I just don't hear them.

It's happened a couple of times. Once in America, and again, we were in the car park. I was happily walking and chatting away, not really paying attention to my surroundings, until my Mum grabbed my arm and pulled me back and a car slowly crawled passed. I hadn't heard it approaching and had had no idea it was there. Most likely the driver thought I was some ditzy tourist.

Another time was in Lanzarote. I was standing taking a picture of the volcano somewhat in the distance, really focusing on trying to get the perfect picture. Until I heard a man yell 'Senorita, please!' Turns out there was a car trying to pull up in the parking space that I was standing in. He had been revving his engine to get me to move. I hadn't heard it. What an inconsiderate tourist, taking a picture and ignoring the local trying to park. How rude!

And it happened again yesterday. I was walking along with my eyes focussed on the tree-line, trying to spot wildlife. It wasn't until my Dad said 'there's a car, move to the side', that I realised I was in the way. Oops.

It is a problem and I'm always wary when I'm on my own as I wouldn't hear a car going less than 15 mph approaching. Now chances are, a car going that slow would most likely not hit me as they would manage to break. And if a car that was going so slow did hit me, it probably wouldn't be too damaging to me. But it is still a concern.

I also know how it looks to the drivers - some inconsiderate woman refusing to move out of the way. It's just that I cannot for the life of me hear them. I'm not intentionally being rude or difficult, I just don't know a car is behind me or driving near me.

So, if you're ever driving behind someone that is refusing to get out of the way, instead of getting annoyed, think about the possibility that they just cannot hear you. I'm not doing it on purpose (well, most of the time - unless I want to annoy my parents as they're trying to leave our driveway, hehe), so chances are, neither are they.

Until next time,
Deaf Girl

Deaf jokes

Thought I'd share some of my favourite deaf jokes. Of course, these aren't jokes by the deaf - those would be near impossible to translate into English and the punch-line wouldn't be the same. Enjoy!

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

An older gentleman had lost his hearing aid and wanted to get a new one. Before getting the new hearing aid, he wanted his ear cleaned out, so he went to his doctor. As the doctor was cleaning his ears, he noticed a foreign object lodged in the man's ear canal. With a pair a tweezers, the doctor removed the object. Upon closer examination, he discovered that it was a suppository. The doctor told the older gentleman that he had a suppository stuck in his ear. At this, the man exclaimed, "Now I know where I put my hearing aid!"

I noticed a deaf couple in the library talking to each other, evidently in a heated argument. The wife was getting more upset, using large signs, her husband could see that she was upset. Finally, he took both her hands in his, and signed, "Honey, you don't have to yell, I am not blind!"

A man marries a deaf girl. He signs: "let's make a code: if I want sex, I will squeeze your breast. In response, you can pull my penis once for Yes, and 50 times for No"

Deaf Girl

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all had a wonderful day with your family & friends celebrating this wonderful day.

I'm currently down south visiting my family - my parents and I drove down to spend Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day with my grandparents, aunt & cousin. We're leaving early tomorrow morning to drive back.

Of course, I wanted to look my best when seeing my family, as I hadn't seen them for some time. So... what does a girl do when she wants to look good? (No jokes about beauty sleep not being enough, thank you!) Gets a haircut of course.

So off to the hairdressers Mum and I go. We both had our hair coloured, cut, and blow-dryed. Now most women, my Mum included, love to chat at the hairdresser's. You get the latest local gossip and just generally have a nice natter while drinking a cup of tea.

Slightly different for me - getting my hair done is a very silent event. I have to take my hearing aids out when the dye is being put in my hair - don't want the dye accidentally dripping onto or into my hearing aids and breaking them. And likewise when the dye is being washed from my hair I don't wear my hearing aids. There's also no point wearing them when the hairdryer is being used on my hair, as I wouldn't hear anything anyway.

So, a visit to the hairdresser's is a very silent affair for me. Instead of putting my hearing aids in and taking them out every 5 minutes, I just leave them out. I also can't lip-read at the hairdresser's as you're sat facing a mirror - haven't learned to mirror-lip-read yet!

Mum said that she and a few others tried to start up conversations with me, but because I wasn't wearing my hearing aids, I was oblivious. It must have come across as very rude. Luckily, Mum was there to explain to everyone that I wasn't intentionally ignoring them, I just couldn't hear them. I had explained this before I took my hearing aids out, but most people don't believe me because I don't sound like a deaf person when I talk.

So, once we were finished at the hairdresser's, we head off back home to pack and get ready. Fast-forward a few hours and it's time to go to bed.

I'm just starting to fall asleep when I notice that my bedroom has suddenly become lighter. I open my eyes to see my Mum standing by my bed. I ask her what she's doing. She moves her lips, but no sound is coming out. Or rather, it is, but she's whispering!

'Mum, I'm deaf, I'm just going to sleep, I'm not wearing my hearing aids...'

Oops. Even my parents sometimes forget I'm deaf. Turns out she was just checking that Snoopy, my cat, was in my room before locking up the house.

Fast forward a day and we've arrived at my Grandparents' house. Lovely seeing everyone again. We all catch up and soon it's time for bed. I'm sleeping in my cousin's room and wanted an early night. He wasn't too fond of that idea - he was playing some online game on the XBox and talking with fellow gamers in the 'scrim' (whatever that means).

I told him he could continue to play, it wouldn't bother me. As soon as my hearing aids come out, I'm deaf. So he can continue to play to his heart's content. He was thrilled and told my parents that it's great having a deaf cousin. It does have its uses!

Christmas Day was lovely as well. Unfortunately, both Mum and I have horrible colds. Which means my ears are all bunged up as well, making hearing aids useless as I can't hear through them anyway.

My Aunt brings out these candles. They're tall, thin and hollow. She put on in my ear and burnt it. When it had burnt down, she took it out. It had cleared my ear right up. These candles take away ear wax (gross, I know), clearing up my ear so I'm able to wear my hearing aids again. Brilliant! Dad also uses the candles (since he gets a build-up of wax making him almost as deaf as me) and they clear his ears right up as well. Strange things, but very effective.

The rest of the day passes and we're watching TV. The subtitles are on for me, as I left my TV gadget thing at home. The family come in and ask 'why on earth are the subtitles on?'

'Because I'm deaf.'

'Oh yeh!'

It's not just my friends and parents forget that I'm deaf, but my extended family as well!

Very easily done.

Anyway, it's about time I sign off and go and be sociable.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Deaf Girl

Attention Passengers...

Snow. Isn't it wonderful? So pretty. So serene. So annoying!

I should be in Helsinki, Finland right now visiting a friend. I should have arrived there on Friday evening and be leaving to go back home tomorrow evening. Unfortunately, I am still in England. I made it as far as the plane...

Arrived at the airport at 4.30am. Went through security at just after 5am. Boarded the plane at just after 6am. Then... nothing. Everyone was sitting in their seats, the air hostess where bringing round drinks and biscuits, but the plane wasn't moving.

After 30 minutes there's an announcement from the pilot informing us there's a problem at Amsterdam airport (I'm taking a connecting flight via Asmterdam) due to snow. We have to sit on the plane for another hour. So we're all twiddling our thumbs. Eventually the hour passes. Only another announcement informs us we have to wait for another 30 minutes.

So after 30 minutes there's another announcement. Only I can't quite hear it. But everyone on the plane groans. I'm thinking; 'uhoh, this can't be good.'

I ask the woman sitting behind me what was just said - she informs me that in 10 minutes we're going to disembark the plane because for the next 3 hours it doesn't look like the snow is going to lift.

It's now a little after 8am. I'm fed up. And really, really wanting to get to Helsinki.

I go for a (non-alcoholic) drink in a bar and stand outside smoking. (Yes, this is after security - it's awesome, there's an outside smoking area past security!)

A woman comes up to me and asks me something. I don't hear her - too much background noise. She asks me something again, and again I don't hear her. She's getting frustrated and looks at me like I'm stupid. Asks me a question again. I tell her that I'm sorry, but I'm deaf and I can't hear her. She mumbles something and leaves.

I then wander around the shops for about an hour. Eventually I find myself at the information desk, but there's no one there. Get chatting to a guy that was on my flight. He offers for me to sit with him and his friends, as I'm there alone. I gladly take him up on his offer.

We all sit and chat for a bit, then suddenly everyone gets up. I ask what's going on. Turns out there had just been an announcement that the plane to Amsterdam is boarding again, which I hadn't heard. I'm thinking - it's a good thing this guy had offered for me to sit with them, as I hadn't heard the announcement and would have just been wondering aimlessly around the shops.

It's now almost 10am. We're sitting on the plane. Another 30 minutes goes by. Another announcement - more delays. We'll update you in an hour.

I manage to nap for a bit. When I woke up it was about 11.20. Still no news. Then there's another announcement, which again, I don't quite catch. So I ask an air hostess what's going on - she informs me that Amsterdam airport has closed due to snow. I'm having to lip-read what she's saying as there's so much noise from the other passengers that I can't hear anything.

So 20 minutes later we're all disembarking again and waiting for our luggage. That takes quite a while.

Finally, at 12.30 I have my luggage, my Dad has arrived to pick me up, and I'm heading back home.

Not the way I had envisioned spending 8 hours of my time on a Friday morning!

Deaf Girl

First date

I'm now back at uni. Cat-sitting for Snoopy was fun. Although, there is one problem - I didn't wear my hearing aids for most of the weekend, so relied on my little gadgets to keep me informed for things like the doorbell ringing, phone ringing etc. That wasn't the problem. The problem was Snoopy.

She's a cat. She has super-hearing. I am a deaf human, I have hardly any hearing. She jumps at any little noise. She's lying on the seat next to me, and then suddenly she's sitting up, ears forward, staring at the door. Of course, me being home alone and deaf, I'm thinking 'oh shit, is there someone out there? Is someone creeping around the house and I can't hear them?'

Of course, no creeping of any sorts was done (as far as I'm aware). Her super-hearing was probably picking up the movement of mice outside. But her sleeping-to-sudden-standing-at-attention did creep me out a bit! I learnt that it isn't so much fun being a deaf woman home alone!

In other news, BSL class last night was fun. We signed the story of 'The Snowman'... and I'm pleased to say, I started thinking like a deaf person. BSL is a visual language. It's all about creating a picture. I didn't know how to sign 'making a snowman', so I thought about it. Okay, it's about showing people what happened. So I did. And I was right! Slowly starting to get the hang of this. Yay!

I had a first date yesterday as well. We had a wander around and went for a drink at a coffee shop. It was nice, he was funny, much laughing was to be had. Though there were awkward moments were I just couldn't hear what he had said, but it was obvious he was expecting a response of some sort.

So of course, I did what I always do when I have no idea what response I should give - make one up and hope for the best. It seemed to work.

He doesn't know I'm deaf. As I've said in a previous entry, it's difficult to know when to tell someone; the first time you meet them, once you get to know them etc. There are risks whatever you do - a lot of people can't be bothered to deal with a deaf person, think it's too much hard work. Or if you tell them too soon it seems like you're giving attitude and daring them to make a wrong move.

I don't know if I'll see him again or not - we had a nice time, but was there any chemistry...? I don't know yet. So we'll see what happens. If I do see him again, I will have to tell him I am deaf. And we'll see if he's one of those people that doesn't care, or runs for the hills.

Deaf Girl

Peace and quiet

I'm currently at home cat-sitting while my parents are visiting friends in Germany. It's lovely. I'm not wearing my hearing aids - what's the point, it's just me and my cat Snoopy - and I'm thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet.

It's nice sometimes to just not wear them. They can occasionally make my ears all hot etc. So it's nice to not have to wear them this weekend.

Although, I'm not sure my neighbours would agree - they can probably hear the TV through the wall.

Okay, so I don't hear the doorbell, fire alarm or phone ring - but that's what my deaf alerter is for. So I'm wearing that little pager thing. Tell you what - it scares the hell out of Snoopy. The doorbell rang, and my pager - which I had put on the seat next to me, started vibrating (it's not like a phone vibrating - it's much stronger than that) and my poor cat who was sitting a couple of seats along, jumped out of her skin.

One minute she was all curled up on the sofa, dreaming about chasing mice or something, and the next she was on all fours on the floor staring at my pager. It was quite funny to watch.

It's nice not to hear sometimes and to just switch off.

Although I did put my hearing aids in for a bit today - had to go to the shops to get some stuff. Tell you what - I really had to use my lip-reading skills then. I have never seen the shops so busy, there was not a single parking space left in the car park - I had to wait about 5 minutes for a space to free up.

So of course, the shop was absolutely packed. And noisy. Especially after having a day and a half of silence. Very noisy. I needed to talk to someone behind the counter so that I could buy some Euros. I could not hear a thing she said. It probably didn't help that she was sitting behind some very thick glass. After asking her to repeat something a couple of times, I gave up using my hearing and instead focused on her lips to lip-read. It worked.

I might not get it first time, but I am getting better at lip-reading. I managed to buy the Euros with no problem, and even managed some polite conversation about Las Vegas.

And it's not just in the hearing world where lip-reading is useful - it's very useful in sign language class as well.

My sign language teacher is deaf with no speech. But she can lip-read and often when teaching us new signs she says what the sign is. Of course, she doesn't speak, but her lips form the word. A lot of the time the others can't understand her, as hearing people generally don't have the need to lip-read. I'm finding that it's getting easier and easier to read her lips (as she's a lip reader herself, she really forms each syllable so it's easier to read).

So - lip-reading isn't just helping me along in the hearing world, it's also helping me along in learning BSL.

Very useful indeed!

Deaf Girl