My Song

I've just finished watching a 25 minute short film that BSL zone made. It's a really good film. Granted, the acting isn't great, but the story behind it is. And it's one I can relate to. It's about 17 year old Ellen, a deaf girl born to a hearing family. She was brought up hearing, and her family expect her to try and work to fit in with them, instead of them all working together. So Ellen decides to learn BSL and wants to travel down to London to take part in in a Deaf event, but once she's there, she's faced with criticisms from the Deaf community for trying to fit in with the hearing world and just expecting the Deaf community to welcome her with open arms. It's a terrific film. If you have the time, do watch it. It's subtitled throughout, even when they're signing, so it is both hearing-and-Deaf-friendly. Have a look.

I'm right here!

Sometimes I think it must be difficult for my friends and family to adapt to my deafness. Most are happy to adapt and do so without complaint. However, a few sometimes let it be known that it's quite a hassle. It does sometimes leave me feeling as if I'm purposefully putting people out by having a disability. Shame on me. It is difficult sometimes to not feel like a burden.

However, I'm aware that it is difficult to change and to adapt. Most of my friends at university have only ever known me as deaf, so for them it's not too difficult. However, for those that have known me for a long time, it can be very difficult to adjust. For most of my relationship with them, I have been hearing. It is then difficult to change a lifetime of behaviour and adjust to new behaviours.

I'm aware it's difficult. I know it's difficult - it's difficult for me as well. I do have to admit though, that it does sometimes hurt. For instance, if I say I'm taking my hearing aids out and won't be able to hear you (unless you're facing me and I can lip read), talking to my back is not only useless but also slightly hurtful. It makes me think 'do I mean so little to you that you don't take in what I tell you about my disability?' It's common for people to forget, I understand that. But it can hurt - it can feel like you haven't even crossed their mind.

Luckily, this doesn't happen too often.

Something which does occur quite often, however, is people talking about me to my family - when I'm sitting right there!

To my Dad: 'Oh, so she's deaf?'
Me: 'Yes'
A quick glance at me, turning back to my Dad: 'But she can hear sometimes?'
Me: 'Yes'
Ignoring me, asking Dad again: 'So how does that work?'
Me: 'Without my hearing aids I can't hear. With them, I can mostly hear okay.'
Looking at me thoughtfully, then turning back to Dad: 'So do you sign to her to communicate?'

Uhm... Hello? I thought I was meant to be the deaf one, not you. What, have I suddenly become invisible? I'm sitting right here! I'm deaf, not dumb. IQ points aren't linked to hearing - just because I'm losing my hearing, doesn't mean my IQ is rapidly falling. You can have an intelligent conversation with me you know. I know, it's shocking - people with disabilities can be intelligent. Shock, horror!

Deaf Girl

Limbo

Some days I wish I had been born deaf, instead of slowly going deaf. It's hard living on the edge of two worlds. I don't fully fit in in the hearing world, or the deaf world. Sometimes it feels like I live in limbo.

Yes, I am learning BSL and lip-reading. But until I fully master both of them, I don't fit in anywhere. Hearing people see me as deaf. Deaf people view me as hearing. I am both, I am neither.

The deaf world has it's own hierarchy - the highest being deaf born to deaf parents. The lowest being hearing impaired but not from birth.

I don't mourn my hearing loss. I don't wish I was hearing again. I just wish I was one or the other.

I want to fit in somewhere. But at the minute I am in no man's land.

Learning a new language is difficult and it will take years before I am fluent in BSL. I would love to go to Deaf Club and fit in and forget about the hearing world for a while. But my BSL isn't good enough for that yet - I am only a beginner. And most people in Deaf Club aren't that welcome to beginner BSL users, after all, Deaf Club is a place for deaf people to go to take a break from the hearing world. The last thing they want is to babysit a not-deaf-not-hearing person that hasn't fully grasped their language.

But I need a respite from the hearing world as well. So it can be tough.

That's why I like lip-reading -we're all in the same boat. We were all hearing but are now deaf. No one gets annoyed when you ask to repeat something. No one judges you for being at the bottom of the hierarchy. Everyone is welcoming.

But it is a place where you learn how to cope in your old home, the hearing world. it's not really a break from anything.

In December there is a Deaf Club meeting where beginner BSL users are welcome. I'm really looking forward to that. It should be good.

Greetings from the twilight zone,

Deaf Girl