Nerves

Last Thursday was the start of level 3 BSL.  It was horrific.  I hadn't signed in over 3 months and have forgotten so much.  It was made even worse by the fact that most of the other people there seemed to understand everything.  Bugger.

Like any language, if you don't practice - you forget.  The first hour of the class, I was extremely disheartened.  I was wondering if I should bother to continue - I'll never be fluent in it, I'll never be accepted in the Deaf community...  It took one of my friends telling me that she was considering just getting in her car and driving home during the break to make me realise that I need to stick it out.  I think I managed to convince my friend to stick it out as well.

The second part of the class went a lot better than the first.  I was understanding a lot more and felt more confident and determined.  It's going to take me years to be fluent in BSL.  I can't expect to be fluent in only a few years.

Level 3 is definitely harder than level 1 & 2, but for me, it's worth it.  After all, I may be completely deaf myself one day, so it's better that I learn the language now.  Level 3 is also different, in that I'm required to go to Deaf clubs and film myself signing.

I'm quite nervous about going to a Deaf club.  My signing is nowhere near up to par.  I'm worried that I won't fit in.  I might be completely deaf myself one day - but at the minute I still have some hearing, so I'm worried that I will be an outsider.

But, I just have to wait and see.  There's absolutely no point in worrying about how I might be treated.  At least I'm making the effort and learning this amazing language, and that has to count for something.  Right?

Deaf clubbing

It's been quite a while since I posted an entry here.  There's so much I could write; how I thought the Olympic & Paralympic opening & closing ceremonies were great - especially as they included the d/Deaf, in the form of kids signing to a song.  How I went on camping trip with some friends, and they were very considerate in playing music quietly so that it didn't interfere with my hearing aids.  How happy I am that people are asking me questions about being deaf.  How I passed my BSL exam and have now enrolled on to the next level - BSL level 3.

Yes, there's a lot I could write about.  But instead, I'm going to show you this comic from Girls With Slingshots, which I just love!

My Song

I've just finished watching a 25 minute short film that BSL zone made. It's a really good film. Granted, the acting isn't great, but the story behind it is. And it's one I can relate to. It's about 17 year old Ellen, a deaf girl born to a hearing family. She was brought up hearing, and her family expect her to try and work to fit in with them, instead of them all working together. So Ellen decides to learn BSL and wants to travel down to London to take part in in a Deaf event, but once she's there, she's faced with criticisms from the Deaf community for trying to fit in with the hearing world and just expecting the Deaf community to welcome her with open arms. It's a terrific film. If you have the time, do watch it. It's subtitled throughout, even when they're signing, so it is both hearing-and-Deaf-friendly. Have a look.

Deaf Teens: Hearing World

I'm watching a documentary that my parents recorded for me a while back. It's called "Deaf Teens: Hearing World". It follows a few d/Deaf teenagers around as they live their lives.

One of them, born to a deaf family, is having a cochlear implant before she goes to university.
Another, born to a hearing family, goes to a deaf school where the emphasis is on learning to lip-read and speak. So much so that using BSL is forbidden in class.
Another one is born to a Deaf family and is completely comfortable with who she is.
Another one was born to a hearing family, where they view his deafness as a disability and there is a sort of pity surrounding him.

The one that goes to a deaf boarding school has just been told off for not wearing her hearing aids. I'm amazed parents would send their child to a school like that. By doing that, they are teaching her that it is wrong to be deaf. They are teaching her that she should hide a part of her.

I don't deny that learning to lip-read is a good thing. I am learning to lip-read, it does help to get by in the hearing world. But this school is completely isolating these kids from the Deaf community. They went these kids to become a part of the hearing world, but these kids will always feel like they're on the edge of it, that they're not really part of it. And by telling them they can't use BSL, they are preventing them from becoming a part of the Deaf world.

To me, this is wrong.

I can relate to some of it as well. One of the girls has just gone to university. This is what she said:

"It's really hard trying to understand what people are saying, because obviously each person has a different lip pattern and the way the pronounce things, maybe because of their accent. It gets to a point where I just sort of give up and let myself sink back into the background and watch their lips move and not understand what they're saying."

Lip-reading is extremely difficult. Every person's lips move slightly differently when they speak - depending on their accent and on them as a person. So you have to be able to take that into account and focus all your energy on it. Which isn't so bad if you're talking to them one-on-one, but if you're in a group and everyone has a different accent, it gets extremely difficult and tiring. The easiest thing to do is to just sink back and become an observer. That's why when I'm at a party or in a group social situation, I prefer talking to only one or two people. Group discussions are a nightmare.

They also talk about hearing aids. When you're d/Deaf, you're used to silence. If you're then put in a situation which is extremely noisy, it's uncomfortable. When you're d/Deaf, you're not used to noise, it's not what is normal to you. You wear the hearing aids so you can function in the hearing world. Right now, I'm home alone and I'm not wearing hearing aids. I'm writing this blog and watching the documentary. When I'm writing in here, I pause the documentary, as I can't read the subtitles whilst I'm writing in here.

It's nice to go back to the quiet. I don't enjoy wearing my hearing aids. Yes, it's nice to hear the birds sing and to be able to hear people. But when I don't need to hear, I will take them out. If a programme that I'm watching has subtitles, I don't need to hear it. If I'm alone in the house, there's nothing that I need to hear. Even though I grew up in the hearing world and for the first 18 years of my life I was hearing, I'm not anymore. I'm not really part of the Deaf world either, I'm inbetween the two. Yes, I grew up hearing, but I am now deaf. I don't need to hear noise all the time. It gives me a headache.

There are so many attitudes to deafness and deaf people. Even within the Deaf community, there are so many attitudes and opinions. So many of us are self-conscious. Uncomfortable with who we are. Desperately trying to fit in to a world that, as a whole, is not accepting of us, is uncomfortable around us.

Like the deaf school that gives detention if you use BSL. It can be difficult to find your way in the world. Especially if you're trying to figure out which world you belong in - the hearing or the Deaf. But at the end of the day, you should never be made to feel ashamed of yourself. You should never be made to feel like you are sub-human because you are not part of the hearing world. There is nothing wrong with being d/Deaf, just like there is nothing wrong with being hearing.

But that deaf school... that's really got me going. I remember what it was like being a teenager (oh so many years ago!). For most of my teenage years I was hearing. It was difficult trying to work out who I was. Then when I started to lose my hearing, it became even more difficult. Suddenly I realised that there's more than one world, but that the other world is largely invisible to hearing people. Luckily I had great friends and family that supported me as I explored this new world that I had just been thrown in to. I was never made to feel like this new world was in any way inferior to the one that I had grown up in, nor was it in any way superior. It was just different. But for this school to take children that are trying to find themselves, trying to work out who they are and trying to overcome insecurities and tell them that the world that they are born in to is a lesser world and that they should work at getting by in the hearing world which will never fully accept them...

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I think that is horrendous.

I am deaf. I am intelligent. I have a sense of humour. I am stubborn. I am not ashamed of who I am. No one should be ashamed of who they are.

The documentary finishes after it's done a piece about Sencity. It's a nightclub in that is specifically for the d/Deaf. It was filmed on the opening night and it looks amazing! It's desrcibed as an attack on the senses and it looks fantastic. I would love to go! They have a vibrating dance floor so that you can feel the beat of the music. To every track they play they have insence to match the mood of the music...

It looks amazing. I've just had a look at their website and this is what they offer:

aromajockey » smell the senses
sensefloor » feel the music vibrating through your body
signdancers » watch the lyrics and emotion of the songs
foodjockey » taste the different emotions
visual jockey » watch inspiring images
light jockey » enter a new world of colours
feel the music suit » feel the music vibrating through your body
dancers » get excited about their body language
hairdressers » make your hair look kinky
massage » find a moment of rest at the party
visagie » a new face or an extreme make-up?

That is one place that I definitely want to go to. A place that celebrates who you are and doesn't try and make you into someone or something you're not. Amazing.

Daily Mail

Yesterday the Daily Mail posted an article entitled "Deaf and dumb girl tells of UK 'slave' ordeal".

My BSL tutor is furious about it, as am I. The term 'deaf and dumb' is a hugely offence and out-of-date term to describe those with hearing impairments. By using that term, it implies that d/Deaf people are not intellectual, that we suffer from a form of mental retardation. It implies that because our hearing is not perfect, we aren't intelligent.

Deaf does not equal dumb.

As a whole, we are not stupid. We are just as intelligent as a hearing person - being d/Deaf has nothing to do with intelligence. Using that term takes us right back to the old days when Deaf people were ostracised, when we were hidden away and were the black sheep of the family - an embarrassment. Deaf and dumb was a term used to describe idiots. It's extremely derogatory.

Obviously, the media still uses this term - which only hinders the fight for d/Deaf rights and the recognisition of BSL as a language. It implies that our Deaf culture and Deaf community do not count for anything - that we are second class citizens, that we are idiots. It is appalling that this degrading term is still being used by the media.

I am Deaf. I am also a university student. I graduated from school with high marks. I am not dumb.

Yet by using that term, the Daily Mail claims that, because most d/Deaf people don't speak English, we are less intellectual than our hearing counterparts - indeed, we are stupid.

Our ears don't work as yours do - but our brains are just fine, thank you very much.

I am writing a letter of complaint to the Daily Mail - it would be great if you could as well.

Deaf Girl

Capitalisation of the D

A friend of mine has recently had an article published in our online student newspaper. The article (which you should read here), is about Sign Language and people's reaction to it. The comments that it received got me thinking.

Most people don't realise that there's a differnce between 'Deaf' and 'deaf'. The capitalisation of the 'd' is important in the Deaf culture. Most deaf people, prefer being called Deaf, not deaf. Deaf, with a capital, refers to the Deaf culture, whereas deaf without the capital refers to being hearing impaired.

Deaf culture is a vital part of BSL. Deaf culture is thriving. Many hearing people don't realise this, as it's very rare that they're involved in Deaf culture. But this culture has been thriving for years and there's a big sense of community. Even when teaching BSL was illegal, the Deaf culture lived on, avoiding the law and teaching their kids not only BSL, but everything that comes with being Deaf.

You can be deaf, without being Deaf. At the minute, I'm deaf, as I'm not fully immersed in Deaf culture. Likewise, you can also be Deaf, without being deaf. For example, a hearing child brought up by one or more Deaf parents is usually fully involved in the Deaf community, even though they are hearing.

When referring to any sort of culture, you would normally capitalise the first letter (ie. British community, French culture etc), and it is exactly the same with the Deaf community.

Me

Frenchie returns

Now that I'm back at uni, BSL classes have started up again. It's great signing again - though I've realised I've grown very lazy over the summer. The class was coming to an end, I was tired and just wanted to go home to sleep. The teacher asked me something, to which I replied. Except, because I was lazy, I only half-heartedly signed. Wrong move. The teacher looked at me, and then I realised my mistake. In being lazy, I had made the wrong sign. Instead of signing 'friend', I had signed a very rude word. The two are quite similar, especially when you're tired.

Luckily she saw the funny side. Serves me right though! I'll make sure not to get complacent, and give signing my full attention.

Despite that slight mishap, it's great to be signing again. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed it. I love it. And the great news? My Mum has started to learn BSL as well. I'm absolutely thrilled about that.

For the past few days I've had a friend (Frenchie) stay over. It's been lovely seeing her. Have definitely missed her presence here at university. Hadn't seen her since the start of summer - so we definitely had a lot to catch up on. Which of course, meant staying up till the early hours of the morning, chatting.

She was lying in her bed, I was lying in mine, and we were having a good catch up and gossip. Was lovely. I do have a problem with late-night chats though - when do I take my hearing aids out? Often, the conversation will start up again when the lights are out and we're both just lying there. I normally take my hearing aids out before the lights go out. This time it was a guessing game - I didn't want to appear rude and not respond when I actually hadn't heard...

Frenchie is also an early bird. Or rather - I am not a morning person, and compared to me, everyone is an early bird. I like my lie-ins. Frenchie likes getting up in time for breakfast (unless I have an early lecture, I tend to miss breakfast and only surface for lunch). However, this wasn't an issue. She could move about and get ready with no fear of waking me up. There's definitely benefits to being deaf!

By the end of her stay with me, Frenchie had lost her voice. She started out by sounding nice and husky, and ended up sounding like a heavy-breather breathing down the phone... Now, losing your voice is annoying at the best of time. But especially if you're Frenchie - that girl likes to talk! Which I find great, because I like to talk just as much. She was struggling by the end though, with absolutely no voice.

Luckily - I can lip-read. It was great - Frenchie would mouth the words to me, giving me a chance to practice my lip-reading, and allowing us to continue to gossip. It also meant we were a bit quieter (my poor neighbour - he's probably been kept awake by random bursts of uncontrolled laughter in the early hours of the morning), as there was only one of us laughing.

Tell you what, lip-reading would have been a useful skill to have had when I was younger and having sleep-overs, and my pesky parents kept telling us that they could hear us talking and to go to sleep...

V